Bad Penguin

The big reveal

2005-07-20T20:47:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you remember or not, but way back in December I was talking about how I was going to move to MT and have my very own non-blogger site. Well, I kept getting distracted and diverted, and on top of that, I had no idea what I was doing. So I finally admitted to myself that I was never, ever doing to finish the site on my own, and begged the lovely and talented Zoot to help me.

And help me she did! You can now find me at my deluxe new digs, here.

Please go check it out. And then go tell Zoot what a fabulous job she did.

All hopped up on goofballs

2005-07-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

Or Vicodin, if you want to be all precise about it. Darth Tooth is no more (and now you can all breathe a sigh of relief that you won’t have to listen to me go on and on about it anymore!)

The oral surgeon’s office called me on Friday afternoon and said they’d had a cancellation for first thing Monday morning, would I like to take that appointment? So I checked with my boss, made sure John could drive me – “what the hell else would I be doing?” he asked – and said yes. And then went to the bathroom and got violently ill. I may have been just a little more anxious about the procedure than I wanted to admit.

I spent the weekend escaping with Harry Potter – I love, love the new book – I think it is my favorite since Prisoner of Azkaban! And then yesterday, bright and early, had my surgery, which went fine, at least from my point of view. They put the IV in, I went to sleep and when I woke up, the correct tooth had been extracted. It hurts, and I’m all puffy and swollen, but on the plus side, I get to eat all the pudding I want. And they sent me flowers from work, which was really nice.

The bad part is the Vicodin. I don’t know how anyone can get addicted to this stuff. It helps with the pain, but it also makes me sick to my stomach, dizzy, fuzzy-headed and itchy. Yesterday I realized I was having trouble keeping up with the plot of the silly trashy novel I bought specifically for post surgery reading. And today I tried to work from home, which didn’t go all that well. I got maybe five hours of work done and I had to take a nap in the middle of the day.

But I think the worst part is behind me. And I did get to spend two extra days at home with John and Seamus which is always nice. Maybe not so nice for them, since I’ve mostly been silly, sleeping or holding a ice pack to my face, but nice for me.

Darth Tooth: 53, Bad Penguin: 0

2005-07-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

Today was supposed to be the day that I got my bad tooth pulled, so it could never bother me again. And yet, it is still sitting there in my mouth, being all hurt-y and evil. Why? Because nothing with my teeth is ever simple.

I went in for my appointment with the oral surgeon, who was running late, of course. So I got to sit in the waiting room for 40 minutes or so getting more and more anxious. That’s always fun. There was a little more waiting once I got back into the room. And then the doctor came in, looked at my x-ray, and said it was infected, and fractured, and they couldn’t take it out today. He spent another ten minutes or so terrifying me, explaining that the tooth is going to break when they take it out, so they are going to have to dig pieces of it out of my bone, and that I really need to have anesthesia for that. It will be worse than having impacted wisdom teeth removed, he said. And that was all I needed to hear, because my wisdom teeth were impacted (naturally) and getting them removed was horrible.

So I agreed we’d do it with the anesthesia on Tuesday, went and got lunch and headed back to work. Kind of anti-climactic after getting myself all worked up, although I’ll have the whole weekend now to whip myself up into a frenzy of worry.

Oh, and getting the titanium tooth implant involves more surgery and costs $1,800 – just for the part the oral surgeon does! That doesn’t even cover the fake tooth they put in later. I wonder how much it would cost to get a gold tooth? I could pretend I was a pirate.

Midnight Confessions

2005-07-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

Well, really 10 p.m. confessions, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it as far as a title goes, does it? Anyway – want to know a secret?

I feel almost like I’m going to jinx something by saying this, but lately, I’m happy. Really, really happy. To the point where I’ve actually started wondering if something huge and bad is lurking around the corner, because everything is so good right now. I’m so in love with my husband, and it feels like our relationship gets stronger and better every day. Settling in to our home has given me a sense of peace and balance that I didn’t even know I was missing. And I just feel...good.

Of course, there are still things that worry me. My continuing infertility, for one, but I have to believe that is going to work out eventually. Work has been a bit of a challenge lately, but I’d rather be challenged than bored. My friend Laila moved back to San Francisco last week, and I miss her and her little boy Noah already. I miss Jules and Julie and Ariane and Mary Pat and wish they weren’t so far away, but I have friends here too. I’m still obsessing about whether or not to spend the money to get a laptop, and if I do, whether or not to spend the extra money to get a Powerbook. When I manage to look outside of my own petty concerns, I get down about the state of the world – children starving to death every three seconds, bombs going off in London, bombs going off in Iraq every day, which no one seems to care about at all.

Even so, underneath it all, I’m happy. And I guess I wanted to acknowledge it here, to say to you, to the universe, to whomever – I recognize what I have, and I’m grateful.

A Sudden Change in the Weather

2005-07-05T22:23:00.000-04:00

This morning, I, Bad Penguin, notorious hater of mornings, actually got up and exercised before work. I didn’t whack myself in the head with a hand weight or anything, and I felt very virtuous all day!

It went so well that I’m going to do it again tomorrow morning.

I do feel a little bad about that blizzard that hit Hell today though. Those poor bastards never saw that coming.

Vive le week-end!

2005-07-03T17:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the looong interval with no posting – work has been crazy with a capital “K” lately. I’ve been getting home so late there’s mostly only been time for dinner, a quick walk with the hound, and then half an hour of lying on the couch moaning at John before I head off to bed.

But now the weekend is here, and I’m feeling relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated! It’s been a good couple of days. Yesterday I had a lovely lunch with the Cactus-Fishes, who are every bit as fun, funny and nice in person as you’d expect them to be from their sites. I was worried that it would be a little awkward, meeting online people in the real world, but I really enjoyed it. Hopefully they had as much fun as I did.

Then I hit the outlet mall, which was insanely crowded, and not as bargain-filled as I had hoped it would be. When I go to the outlet mall, I want deals, not $137 shoes and $700 coffee tables – Cole Haan, Restoration Hardware – I’m looking in your direction. I did manage to find a pair of curtains that are almost the same shade of green as my comforter cover, so my bedroom is finally blessedly dark. According to John, “it’s like the Bat Cave in there.” Bat Cave is what I was going for. Hopefully now Seamus will stop waking up as soon as the sun comes up.

I got home in time to catch some of the best acts at Live8, including the Who and most excitingly, Pink Floyd. I called that they would play Money, and John accurately predicted that they would play Wish You Were Here. Amazingly, MTV even managed to hold off on breaking in and ruining it until the very end! It was very cool to see.

Today we’ve been focusing on getting house stuff done. We finally found the right combination of furniture for the basement, so we’ve been assembling and rearranging stuff in the family room. It’s really coming together, and is actually a usable room now! Before it was mostly full of piles of books and you had to sit on the floor, or perch on the corner of the couch. Now we just have to find a coffee table and a china cabinet and the house will be pretty much set, furniture-wise.

The best part of this weekend though, is the extra day. Instead of work, tomorrow I’ll do some more relaxing, and then head down to my mom’s for a cookout in the early afternoon. Except she told me this morning that she doesn’t feel like scrubbing the grill, so she’s going to make pasta instead. So it is really more of a 4th of July pasta dinner, I guess. Doesn’t matter. Just so long as I get that extra day off!

I think my body is messing with me

2005-06-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

It keeps finding new ways to be infertile. Every time I think we must have solved the problem, my body finds a way to confound me.

Intermittent ovulation? Solution: Clomiphene.

Only responding on the side with the blocked fallopian tube? Why, Follistim will take care of that – and how!

Crappy cervical mucus? Meet my friend IUI, which allows me to bypass you altogether.

And now my doctor thinks I have some sort of progesterone production deficiency. Thank you, body, for thwarting me at every turn. What the hell did I ever do to you?

The one benefit to being pessimistic is that I was not surprised that I am not pregnant. Frustrated and disappointed, sure, but not surprised. The doctor thinks I should a break from all of the medications etc…this month, and I have to admit, I’m kind of glad. Not that I’m giving up or anything. We’ll try again in August. And again and again until we’re successful. But for now, I could use a little rest from the extra hormones and having to think about my fertility all of the damn time.

Plus it will give me the chance to deal with the return of Darth Tooth.

Remember Darth Tooth? Back in December, I went to the dentist and had to have half of my fillings replaced, and get new fillings done, and there was all this talk of the removal of my bad tooth and titanium tooth implants and so on? Well, I went back to get my teeth cleaned recently and told the dentist ol’ Darth had given me a twinge or two recently, so they took an x-ray and compared it to the one they took in December. And here’s what I heard next: “Oh my God! I have never seen a tooth disintegrate that completely that quickly.”

Great. So I have to get Darth extracted. 80% of which will be covered by my insurance. Unfortunately, 0% of the titanium tooth implant is covered. Plus, the slightly less evil tooth next to Darth – let’s call it Governor Tarkin, to stick with the Star Wars theme – (God, I’m a geek) has to have a crown lengthening and a new crown put on. If you don‘t know what a crown lengthening is, rejoice! If you do, you have my sympathies. And I have to submit x-rays to my insurance company to prove I need the crown lengthening before they’ll pay for it. Like they have some problem with people having that procedure done for fun all the damn time.

The weird thing is, I’m ok with all of this. There isn’t anything I can do about it, and I’ve decided not to let it bother me. I just hope I can keep the positive feeling going.

Random Bits

2005-06-15T22:20:00.000-04:00

From my new, extended daily commute:

• I wish someone would invent a “evap-o-ray” so that I could zap people who insist on sitting in the left lane going 60 mph in a 65 mph zone. I don’t want to kill them or anything. I just want the ability to forcefully get them the fuck out of my way.

• Why is it that so many of the drivers who are jerks seem to be driving Acura MDX’s? I find this highly amusing as someone I used to know who turned out to be a total jerk drives one.

On the celebrity blogger front:

• I recently discovered that one of my favorite writers, Laurie R. King has a blog. I’ll never be as good a writer as she is, but please notice that at least I can pick the same template as she can!

• Moby also has an online journal that I enjoy. Of course, by being a famous musician, he automatically has more interesting things to write about than I do. I can almost guarantee that I’ll never be posting about spending an evening in a bar in a Russian hotel partying with the guys from Jackass. Not that I would turn them down if they called me – they look like they know how to have a good time. They just won’t be calling!

News from infertility-world:

• I’m considerably poorer after spending a fortune on Clomid, Follistim and hcg. I’m covered in bruises from all the bloodwork I’ve had done and the joy of learning how to give myself shots (really, not as bad as I thought it would be) and just waiting to see if any of this worked. If it did, great, it was worth every penny and every bruise. I’m not feeling very positive though. I don’t have anything to base my negativity on, but that’s how I’m feeling.

And finally, a wee survey:

• I’m thinking of buying myself a laptop. And I was considering getting a Mac. Does anyone have an opinion on iBook vs. Powerbook? The Powerbooks seem awfully expensive – do I really need one, or can I get by with the iBook? Or should I not get a Mac at all? HP has some pretty decent prices, and our desktop, which I like, is an HP. Please feel free to leave a comment or drop me an email with your opinion.

Pros and cons of country living

2005-06-12T22:49:00.000-04:00

My new home, which I love by the way, is quite a bit farther out from the city than I’ve ever lived before. For the most part, I like it, but I am going to have to do some adjusting.

There are a lot fewer people out here for one thing. Which has its benefits, like less noise and light pollution, more green space, and a lot less crowding. I can go to Target on Saturday afternoon and not have to fight for a parking space, push my way past people to get down the aisles, and or stand in line forever to check out.

It is beautiful around here. As I walk around my new neighborhood with Seamus, I have multiple views of the mountains in the distance. Just the other night I discovered that we can see the fireworks displays that they put on at the minor league baseball stadium. And we’re right on the edge of all of the development, so if we drive for five minutes or so, there’s nothing but farmland and parkland, which is a welcome change from Rockville Pike.

And, of course, there’s just the plain old joy of homeownership. John and I are convinced that we live in the best neighborhood around, and every day we find something else we like about our place.

However, there are some drawbacks. The commute, while not horrendous just yet, is long, and can get quite trafficky. That’s no fun, particularly for a person who has had a 15 minute commute for the last five years.

Those checkout counters where I don’t have to wait in line? Are staffed by people who want to have conversations with me and make comments about my items. That keeps throwing me for a loop. And if there are any people in line, it takes forever because of all the chit chat!

Hummus seems to be an exotic foreign food. None of the grocery stores have it. Whole Foods and Trader Joes are something like 30 miles away. There are no Thai restaurants, although I believe there are two Indian restaurants for us to try. One of the main attractions at the community picnic was the gun safety presentation. Not that I don’t think gun safety is important (if you have a gun, you’d damn well better know how not to shoot yourself or someone else by accident), but for someone like me, it is a whole different culture where that is a focus along with the moonbounce and the snocones.

Adjustments aside though, I love it here. No regrets. Not a one. Even if I do have to learn to make small talk with cashiers.

What kind of tree would you be?

2005-06-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

So, days ago Bluepoppy had this idea where she would interview people, and they would answer her questions on their blogs and then they would, in turn, interview people who asked to be interviewed, and so on. And I was all eager “pick me! Interview me!” and then I did nothing with the questions she sent me for days, because I am lame. Also, I got lost in a huge stack of boxes in my dining room and couldn’t find my way back to the computer for a couple of days. But, without further ado, here are my Bluepoppy questions and my answers. If you want to play, I’ve posted the official rules at the end.

1. What was your best movie experience ever?
This is actually a very tough question to answer. I couldn’t decide if it meant what is the best movie I’ve ever seen, or what is the best time I’ve ever had at the movies. And really, those are two very different things. Plus, I’m not sure that the best movie I’ve ever seen is. I can’t pick just one. But my favorite movie memory is probably of the first time I ever went to the movies. It is one of my earliest memories too, although not the earliest. My mom took me and my best friend Suzie Gallagher to see a theater release of Snow White (we didn’t have VCRs back in the Stone Age – they came along a few years later) and I remember being so awed by the whole experience. It was magical and exciting, and Snow White was beautiful and everyone sang songs and the evil witch was defeated by the dwarves. Plus, they showed a little short before the main feature about a girl stuck in an avalanche, and her name was Suzie, just like my best friend! So cool. See, Disney movies aren’t always scarring to the developing psyche of a little girl.

2. If you could go back in time to visit a different time/place,
where would you go and why? And, how long would you stay there?
Paris in the 1880’s-1890’s. There was so much happening – the Eiffel Tower, the building of the Metro, the art scene, the writers, the political thinkers. As for how long I would stay…I don’t know. It would all depend on how much I missed my regular life, I suppose. Or how dirty and smelly 19th century Europe was. I do like my modern conveniences.

3. What's your favorite curse word? Consarnit! No, not really. Fuck, probably. It’s just an all around reliable standard curse word. Although you should never underestimate the value of a good “rats!”

4. What are 3 classes you wish you had taken either in high school or college? A lit class. I don’t know as much about the classics as I should. Definitely some sort of media or film class, although they didn’t offer all that much in that area of study when I was at Wellesley. I hear they’ve changed that now. And this isn’t really a class, but it is a school-related regret – I really wish I had done a semester abroad when I was in college. I think I missed out by staying at school for the whole four years.

5. What do you think this country (USA) will look like 30 years from now?
My answer to this one really depends on the day. Sometimes it feels like we’re headed toward some Margaret Atwood Handmaid’s Tale type future, where the conservatives have restricted everyone’s lives to fit their narrow world view. A world where the environment is trashed, resources are scarce, women, gays and religious minorities are oppressed and the rich live obscenely profligate and irresponsible lives. Where America is a truly fascist country that is hated by the rest of the planet and contributes nothing to the betterment of humankind. That’s on my more pessimistic days.

And then other days I think that we can only do better from here. I’d like to believe that we can get back to a place where Americans are the good guys again. Where we are a force for peace in the world, and provide a positive model for change. Where we have an open and innovative society – a society that values and cares for all of its members. Of course, sometimes I’m a little overly optimistic.

Then again, in 30 years, I may have given up and moved to Canada.

The Official Interview Game Rules
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Moved

2005-05-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

We’re officially homeowners! And we’ve finally – finally! – gotten all of our crap out of our old place and into the new one. I’m smelly, covered in bruises and scrapes, and completely exhausted…but I’m also so very happy. I love our new house. I love our new neighborhood. I love everything. Except moving. I’m done with that, please.

The last five days have been quite an adventure. The whole closing thing went fine, although I have to admit I was convinced that something was going to go wrong right up until the last minute. I was so relieved that when we were driving home from the settlement, I actually started crying! And then the moving began. All I’ll say about that is this:

1. There may have been an incident involving a U-Haul cargo van getting stuck in the mud. An incident followed by a frantic call to a tow truck guy who said “Where are you? Oh, Blahblah Rd. You tried to drive down behind the apartments there, didn’t you? Yeah, I’ve been there before.” All hail Bill, the tow truck guy, who saved the day.

2. We got movers for the furniture. It was a little weird, because you just sit there and watch them do all the work. It was also awesome, because you just sit there and watch them do all the work! Next time, we’re getting movers for everything.

3. Thank goodness for my family. They make me crazy sometimes, but they really came through for us this weekend. We’d probably still be down at the old place cleaning and hauling stuff out of it if it weren’t for all the help my family gave us over the last few days. I’d be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and John would probably be ready to run away and live in a cave.

4. If the person who left a message on my voicemail at my new phone number reads this, I’m not ignoring you! I told Verizon I didn’t want voicemail. They set it up anyway. I don’t have the number or the code to check the messages, and Verizon doesn’t provide customer service on the weekends. I’ll get it tomorrow, I promise!

Setting a whole new standard

2005-05-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

For being clumsy, that is. Not incoherent rambling, although you may have wondered what I was smoking when I wrote that last post. But no, I was neither drunk nor stoned. I was just really, really tired. Complete and utter exhaustion – the cheapest high of them all.

What was I talking about again? Oh yes, my clumsiness. I believe I have mentioned from time to time that I am not particularly coordinated. That despite years and years of ballet, I am not particularly graceful in every day life. How when my bridesmaids and best friends were telling their favorite Hillary stories just before my wedding, it turned into “my favorite time Hillary fell down.” And how I fall down the three stairs in my condo on such a regular basis that it isn’t even remarkable anymore.

Well, I found a way to take it to a new level. On Saturday afternoon, I fell up the stairs. Yep. Up the stairs. You may not have known that was even possible, but let me tell you, it is. I was carrying an armful of magazines and papers to put in a box in the bedroom and something went horribly wrong. It happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to drop the magazines and put out my hands, so I bruised my chest, bit my tongue and really hurt my foot. I was so stunned I just lay there crying for a minute, while Seamus looked at me anxiously.

Eventually I got up. I was really hungry and I had just made lunch, so I sat on the couch eating macaroni and cheese and crying. I must have looked so pathetic. Luckily, John was off taking our 16 trillionth load of trash to the dump, so I was here by myself.

By the time he got back though, my foot had really started hurting. About two hours after I fell, I couldn’t walk. By the third hour, I was pretty sure I had broken my something. However, we just didn’t have six hours to spend at the emergency room, so I decided to wait until I could track down my mom (a former nurse.) She said to put ice on it and elevate it and see how I was on Sunday. And it turns out it is just a bad bruise or sprain. Today I was even able to cram my foot in a shoe and take Seamus for a very slow and careful walk. Hopefully I’ll make it through the rest of the move without losing any limbs. Seriously, who the hell falls up the stairs?

The official blog anniversary post

2005-05-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

John is being quite insistent that I have to write something new on my actual blogiversary instead of just saying that it is coming up. I wouldn't want to be improper!

And it actually did occurr to me that I should explain that this is the anniversary of when I started my first blog, Hilldery. It's still out there, but I moved here to Bad Penguin after I got outed at work and ran into a little trouble. I know there's a good chance some people from work followed me here, but at least I have the illusion that they aren't reading.

And I never talk specifically about work anymore. I learned that lesson.

Anyway, I've officially observed the anniversary now, right? Now it is bedtime for bad penguin.

There's just not enough time!

2005-05-19T23:18:00.000-04:00

I’m insanely busy at work.

I’m ridiculously busy at home.

I don’t have time to write.

I don’t have time to read or comment on anyone else’s blog.

I don’t even have any time to call or email my friends.

And today I was completely derailed by an effective time management seminar at work. Don’t you just love the irony?

But, tonight John was discussing one of his favorites, Maddox, with my brother, and said to me “he’s like you, he hasn’t posted in forever” which I took as a hint. Plus, tomorrow is my one year blogiversary. I couldn’t let that go by! I can’t believe it has been a whole year already. Blogging has turned out to be so much more than I ever thought it would be. I’ve “met” so many interesting, friendly and supportive people. Seriously, check out my blogroll. There are some amazingly talented and creative individuals out there, and my contact with them has definitely enhanced my life. I hope I’ve contributed something worthwhile here and there along the way.

Anyway, the insanity will end soon, and I’ll be back to my old self again. This time next week, we’ll officially be homeowners. We’ll be getting ready to spend our last night in the apartment before the movers come. It’s almost here!

Blast from the past

2005-05-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

So mostly, I’ve been working. If I’m not working, I’m packing, And if I’m not packing, I’m knitting that blanket for my new niece. Then there’s the fun of running to the doctor every 15 minutes so she can check how I’m responding to the medicine (so far, so good), worrying about moving details and fending off my landlord, who wants to start showing the place to prospective buyers. Which he really doesn’t want to do until we fix the huge holes that Seamus dug in the carpet and wall next to the door. Except, of course, he doesn’t know about the huge holes, because why would we tell him about them?

I also managed to fit in a little Mother’s Day celebration with my mom. I took her to brunch at this restaurant she likes. And while we were there, who should I see but my unattainable high school crush, Will L. When I first realized who it was, I actually got that flustery, excited feeling in my stomach for about 7 seconds, before I remembered that a) I’m not 14 anymore and b) I’m not interested, seeing as how I’m happily married and all. I guess it was just a knee-jerk reaction. I hadn’t thought of him in years! He looked pretty much the same, and yet at the same time he didn’t. He had a little boy with him, so I guess he’s a dad. It’s so weird to think of the uber-cool, punk-rock rebel guy I knew as just another suburban dad taking his wife to Clyde’s for Mother’s Day.

My mom thought I should go over and say hi, but I didn’t want to. I have nice memories of the guy. He must have known I had a crush on him, but he was never a jerk about it. In fact, in some ways, his influence on me in my impressionable years (bad boy upperclassman, creative guy, musician) must have predisposed me to think favorably of John (slightly older, definite bad boy, creative guy, former lead singer in a band, and better looking to boot). Anyway, I figured why ruin those memories for two minutes of awkward conversation? So I stayed at my table. I do feel a wave of high school nostalgia coming on though.

Happenings

2005-05-02T22:56:00.000-04:00

I wish I had time to post separately about all of these topics, but I don’t. Perhaps I should switch to the Television Without Pity style where I give you short recaps right away and then post a longer writeup later! Anyway, here are just a few of the events of the last few days.

1. My niece has arrived! No, I have not finished knitting her baby blanket yet. I have, however, purchased one very adorable outfit for her and a Winnie the Pooh racing car set for my nephew. My niece’s name is Josephine Nora Marguerite, and she was born weighing 8 pounds, 4 ounces in the middle of a snowstorm in Colorado last week. My poor sister-in-law went to the hospital in labor, got sent home because her contractions slowed down, and then barely made it back in time to have Josephine in the hospital. It sounds like it was quite scary at times, but it all turned out ok in the end. And my sister-in-law has a hell of a birth story to tell now.

2. John and I bought couches for our new living room. I have learned that furniture salesmen (and women) can be quite scary. You walk in the store, and they swoop down like vultures! The guy who got our business had really good prices and left us the fuck alone so we could make up our minds. Our new couches aren’t very exciting looking, but they are nice and comfortable. Now we’re on to discussing paint colors. That’s where I will get to be bold.

3. Laila and I went to dinner and to see the movie Sin City. That is one sick and disturbing movie. I have seen some fairly twisted and violent movies in my time, but this one had several scenes that really got to me. I didn’t hate it, but I kind of wish I hadn’t seen it. Also, Elijah Wood’s character seriously creeped me out. I hope this doesn’t ruin the Lord of the Rings movies for me.

4. I learned that fertility drugs are not covered by insurance. Was it naïve for me to think they would be? I don’t know. I think they should be, but then again, I’m one of those crazy pinko types who believe we should have socialized medicine. Not only are the drugs not covered, they are damn expensive. So everybody please root for my left ovary to respond to the drugs. That’s L-E-F-T. I’m working on some sort of left ovary gang sign people can flash to encourage it to respond – I’ll let you know how that works out.

Also, just in case we can’t depend on the left ovary, has anyone used drugstore.com? Their prices for the same drugs are quite a bit lower than my local pharmacy, and I’d like to be prepared for next time.

5. And finally, I took the “what type of Jedi are you?” quiz, and I am happy to announce that I am a Yoda-like Jedi Master. Not Yoda though. I’m short, but not that short – and not green. May the force be with you all.

What I've been doing instead of posting like I should

2005-04-26T23:03:00.000-04:00

• Working. My job does keep me busy, and I’ve recently taken on a new project.

• Shopping for our new living room. So far we’ve established that couches cost more than we thought they would and that I think leather couches smell yucky. At least we’ve managed to purchase one new item – a nice big TV.

• Having a surprise endometrial biopsy. Surprise! I wonder if those words have ever been used together before. I thought I was there to discuss treatment plans, which I was, but we also did the biopsy.

• Sorting through books and other items to decide what we’re keeping (and packing and moving) and what we’re selling or giving away. There’s still a lot to be done.

• Researching and booking movers. Wow, there are a lot of scary stories about moving out there! But I’m using a company that two people at work have used successfully, so hopefully our move will go ok.

• Knitting up a storm. My sister-in-law is due to go into labor any second now, and the blanket for my niece isn’t even halfway finished. I really wish I could knit faster.

• Hanging out with Laila and Noah. Noah has learned my name and yells it out when he sees me. That gives me a nice feeling. I will really miss them when they go back to San Francisco.

And I’m sure I’ll only get busier from here, since moving day is just one month away. Let the countdown begin!

So that’s the kind of mom I’ll be

2005-04-19T22:57:00.000-04:00

Seamus and I go for a walk at about the same time every morning. We see the same group of dogs every day. Some of the dogs are Seamus’ friends – McGruff the hound, a really sweet Chesapeake Bay retriever, a lab mix walked by a woman I call bag patrol (she’s completely obsessed with whether or not people are picking up after their dogs). Other dogs, he doesn’t like so much. There’s the little yippy white dog he wants to eat. The Great Dane who Seamus loves, but who doesn’t like him.

And then there’s Jasmine. She’s a black lab mix who hates pretty much every dog she meets, except for Seamus. She just loves Seamus, so her owner always wants to bring her over to say hello. The owner is trying very hard to socialize Jasmine properly and give her positive reinforcement. And Seamus likes her ok, but every once in a while, I get the feeling he’s saying “But she’s dorky. Why do I have to play with her?”

And I just make him say hello anyway, because it is the nice thing to do. I'm sure I'll do the same thing to my kids too, and make them hang out with the misfits and the underdogs. Is that mean? Will it be like Marge making Bart hang out with Raplh Wiggum on the Simpsons? Because I think the misfits and the underdogs are frequently more interesting than everyone else, and I'd like to enoucourage my (I know, currently non-existent ) children to give everyone a chance.

My friend Leo

2005-04-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

A sad anniversary.

When I got the call from Jules’ office, my first thought was that they were calling to tell me that she had lost the baby and needed me. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Instead, I heard words I couldn’t bring myself to believe: Leo killed himself this morning. He shot himself in his car.

Leo was my friend Jules’ fiancé, soul mate and best friend. She met him two weeks after I convinced her to move down to DC with me from Boston. I didn’t want to like him. In fact, I was pretty resentful of him at first, because she fell for him hard, and all of a sudden there was this guy who was always in my house.

Little by little though, he won me over. He was just so damn charming, and sweet and funny. He would tease me and call me his B.B. (butt buddy) because I’ve got a bit of an ass, and he was an ass man. I would tease him about the fact that we met him at Tracks (a gay club). We were both Redskins fans, although I couldn’t come close to his knowledge of football. He loved PlayStation and the Harry Potter books. He was raised a Baptist (and a full-on Southern Baptist at that) but he also believed in reincarnation. And he had the greatest laugh. You couldn’t resist Leo when he laughed.

But when he was down, he was really, really down. I knew of at least one other time that he tried to kill himself. Jules and I had even talked about how worried she was about how depressed he had been. I guess we couldn’t conceive of him actually doing it. He was so excited about the baby on the way, and he had told her he would get help, for his own sake, for her sake, and for their baby’s sake. But for some reason, on that day he gave up.

I don’t know quite how to express what it is like to realize that someone you care about has chosen not to exist anymore. It’s like getting punched so hard you can’t breathe, while adrenaline rushes through your body like you’re about to go over a cliff. You can’t sit still. You want to go rushing out to change things, to fix things, to undo the undoable somehow. You’re sad. You’re hurt. And you’re angry. But of course, there isn’t anything you can do.

To anyone who ever has a friend that they are worried about, I say – don’t hesitate. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings. Don’t think they won’t follow through. If you think your friend needs help, get it for them. Better safe than sorry.

And to anyone who has ever considered suicide, I say this: Don’t. Just please, get help. Don’t think that the people you leave behind will be better off without you. What they’ll be is sad, and angry and bewildered and left trying to fill the gaping hole where you should be. I’ve been horribly depressed. There was a time in my life when I thought, well, someday I might decide I’m tired of living like this. But instead I got help, and my life got better. I wish I had talked to Leo about that more, about how life is so completely different when you come of out of a depression, it’s like you’re a different person. I don’t know if it would have made a difference or not. When you’re in that hole, it is awful hard to see out.

So instead all I can say to Leo now is, I wish you were here. I miss you. We all do. It is devastatingly sad that you never got to meet your son Malcolm, to see how wonderful he is. And equally as sad that he will only ever know you through our stories. You should see what an amazing mom Jules is, and the life she’s built for herself and Malcolm. I’m sorry that life got so hard you couldn’t go on, and that we couldn’t help you. That you didn’t know that we all would have done whatever it took to help you. I hope with all my being that your next life is one of much joy and peace, and no pain.

The all TV post

2005-04-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

Look! A post that is not about my new house or my fertility. Dedicated to my dear husband John, who is even now ferrying his extremely British cousin Gerard back to his hotel in Georgetown as I lounge around on the couch in my pajamas. I would be busily reading other people’s blogs or checking email, except that for some reason about half of the Internet appears to be down.

So instead, the post that John has been bugging me to write about our new favorite show, Deadwood. Have you seen it? I’m sure it is not to everyone’s taste. First of all, it is a western. That threw me off for a little while and I thought I wouldn’t enjoy it. I was wrong! Second, it is violent. Seriously violent. And dirty. Not sexy dirty – literally dirty. I find myself wishing that the characters would just grab a washcloth from time to time, thinking for the love of God, just wipe the dirt off your face! And the swearing! Wow, is there a lot of swearing in this show. I had no idea there were so many ways to use the words “fucker,” “c*cksucker” and “c#nt” in dialogue. Swearing aside, the show is very well written. I’m always surprised when we get to the end of an episode because I get that caught up in the story.

And the characters are actually multi-dimensional, which is a nice change for TV. One of the main characters is the saloon owner who runs the town – Al Swearengen. When you first see him, you think, ok, obvious bad guy. He’s got a million scams going. He orders people killed. He beats up one of his whores because she shoots a customer who was hurting her. But then bit by bit, they reveal more about him. He saved a crippled woman from a terrible fate and hired her to cook and clean in the saloon. He shows mercy and compassion for the minister who has seizures. He is actually looking out for the town of Deadwood even as he looks out for himself.

The main good guy, Bullock, has layers too (like an onion). Yes, he’s all noble and sheriff-y, but he also cheats on his wife, and takes other actions he later regrets. He’s got the greatest clench and stare-down since Clint Eastwood. But even the lesser characters are really well-drawn. Swearengen’s main henchman, Dan (a Ronnie Van Zandt lookalike) had some great lines. And the weasely hotel owner/mayor of Deadwood (who was in Blade Runner and had two brothers named Darryl on Newhart) is just appalling in his underhandedness and scheming, but you also feel sorry for him sometimes. The actress playing Calamity Jane is awesome. So are the actors who portray the town doctor, the prospector Ellsworth, Bullock’s business partner Sol and Trixie the whore who wants to become a bookkeeper.

I’ve already said way more than I meant to about this show. See, that’s how good it is. I was also going to talk about my growing addiction to Television Without Pity and how I’m still pissed off about them killing Boone off on Lost. But I’ve already gone on for long enough.

Edited to add: This was written Tuesday night, before I realized that blogger was one of the many, many sites I could not access.

Good News/Bad News

2005-04-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

All is well with the house. It passed the extremely thorough inspection with flying colors! And we locked in the interest rate on our mortgage. Now we’re looking for new living room furniture.

On the reproductive front, I had an HSG test, where they shoot dye into your reproductive system and take an x-ray to look for trouble. There are people all over the internet who say it is very painful, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

It was still unsettling though. My doctor was late, of course. Then the techs got snippy with each other. Then the radiologist came in, and started barking orders and muttering– turn to the left, lift your hip, I can’t see, that’s just spillage, push more dye in, your right fallopian tube is blocked. Push more dye in, yep, the right side is completely blocked.

Wait, what?

And then my doctor says “the preliminary results show your right fallopian tube is blocked. We’ll talk about the final results tomorrow.” And leaves, along with the radiologist. Which left me alone on the table, feeling just a little bewildered.

So naturally, I went straight back to my office and spent the next hour looking up “blocked fallopian tube” on the internet, which was a mistake and a half. According to the Internet:
a) my only hope of getting pregnant is IVF

b) no, no, now I won’t need any treatment, because the dye from the HSG will have blasted open any blockage and I’ll get pregnant in the next three months

c) I have to have a laparoscopy to get the tube unblocked.

d) Recovery from said laparoscopy will take a) 3-4 hours, b) 3 to 4 days, or c) 3 to 4 weeks

e) No, what I need is Clomid (ok, I can maybe see this helping me, with my one open tube)

f) Actually the best treatment is IUI ( I really don’t get that one)

g) No, I should go with this non-invasive treatment that will magically unblock the fallopian tube

Sometimes the internet is not your friend. And do you know what the worst part is? I still don’t have any answers. I went to see the doctor to go over all of the results from the eleventy-bajillion tests we’ve done recently. I waited forever, and finally had to leave without getting to talk to her because we had to go to the house inspection. So frustrating! I’ll track her down this week, but thank goodness I’m still riding that house-buying high, or I would have been a wreck the last few days.

Cash for Coleen

2005-04-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

Cash for Coleen

The lovely Coleen over at Hussified is participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day. She’ll be walking 60 miles in three days to raise money for breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment. 60 miles in three days! It’s a lot of work, and she has to raise a lot of money ($2,500!), so she turned to the internet for a little fundraising help. So please, if you’ve got any cash to spare and are looking for a great cause to support, consider donating some money to Coleen and the Philadelphia Breast Cancer 3-Day.

To get the full story on why Coleen is participating, click here.

House!

2005-04-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

We did it! I am so excited this post might not even be coherent, but just as I was convinced we had no chance, our offer on a house was accepted. A house right on the very same street as the one we liked so much last week. It’s thrilling. And a little terrifying, but wahoo! We actually put our offer in on Friday, and they said we’d have an answer on Saturday, and then the sellers kept stalling and stalling and even my realtor thought we weren’t going to get the house. And then this afternoon another house in that neighborhood listed at a price over our absolute highest limit, and I thought, well, that’s it, started composing a post in my head with the working title Fucking DC Real Estate and began looking up new listings in other neighborhoods.

But instead, it turns out we got the house! They made us wait until 10 pm, but we got it and it is so awesome. It has a breakfast nook off the kitchen that is all windows, and a deck and a fireplace and a little fenced yard where Seamus can go off the leash. And it backs up to a common area, and has trees to block the road and is right next to a park. The only thing I don’t like about it is the wallpaper in the living room, and that’s just two walls. And possibly the paint in the master bath. John is already planning the move, and I'm...well, I'm pretty much just bouncing up and down like a little kid.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to get to sleep tonight. Yay!

Tidbits

2005-03-31T22:50:00.000-05:00

• I owe all of you huge thank-yous. The comments, emails and in Laila’s case, phone call and shopping therapy plan, that I received in response to my last post were wonderful. Your support gave me the boost I desperately needed. For now, I’m just going to focus on the diagnostics, and try not to freak out so much about what comes next. So, thank you. You all rock!

• Speaking of infertility, ancient Chinese wisdom may hold the answer to my problems. I went out dinner with my friend Becky on Tuesday night and got this fortune “You are a happy man.” Now there’s an angle we hadn’t considered – that I’m actually a man, baby.

• The house I liked so much sold. Sigh. The good news is another house on the same street just went on the market. We’re going to go see it tomorrow at lunch time, along with two others in the same basic area. It’s nerve wracking, but exciting too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Stuck at denial and anger

2005-03-28T23:33:00.000-05:00

There are these stages of grief that people go through when they get bad news. They are denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I think there might be one more, but I can’t remember what it is right now. Ok, I just checked (thank you, Google), and the missing stage is depression. Hey, I’ve got that one covered too! Anyway, I had my third visit with the fertility specialist today. I hadn’t wanted to go to a specialist. I kept putting it off, thinking, well, we didn’t time things right at first because I didn’t know that I ovulate late (true) and besides that, I don’t ovulate every single month (also true) and maybe this month, this time, I’ll get pregnant (sadly, not true). But my friends kept urging me to go. At least you’ll know if something is wrong, they said. And after the first visit, I did feel good. I felt like I was taking action – doing something to make this whole baby thing happen.

But after that something changed. And this where the denial comes in, I guess. I had it in my head that I’d go in there and she’d say “Oh, you’ll be fine. Here, have some Clomid.” I was even prepared for something along the lines of “Hey tubby, why don’t you try losing 20 lbs. You’ll have much better luck.” But instead it’s all “did anyone ever mention you might have uterine fibroids” and “I’m concerned about your right ovary” and test after test after test and I hate every fucking minute of it. When she says I’m a good candidate for IUI, I just want to cry. Or possibly scream. It’s all moving so fast, and part of me just wants to stop. To say never mind, and simply go back to having sex each month and hoping for the best.

And then I wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? I desperately want to have children, so why am I so reluctant to do all of this? Why do I resent having to go to the doctor and doing some tests? My husband (usually the negative one in the marriage) can look at it and say, just keep in mind that there’s a baby at the end of all of this. Why can’t I do that? In the end, I suppose it comes down to this: Some part of me still hopes I’ll get to have sex with my husband and get pregnant, just like a normal person. And the rest of me is pissed off that it might not/probably won’t happen that way.

The search goes on

2005-03-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

We went out with our realtor for the first time yesterday to look at houses. Easter weekend isn’t a great time to go looking – there just isn’t that much for sale right now. I had picked five places I wanted to see, but unfortunately one of them listed and sold in one day, so we only got to see four. Two of them were in Montgomery County where we currently live. Sadly, these houses were completely unacceptable. (That sound you hear is John saying “I told you the houses in Germantown would be crap!”) Which he did, but I thought maybe we could find something decent in our price range. And if we hadn’t gone to check these two out, not only would I have always wondered if we could have found a place closer in…we also would have missed seeing the place where the woman had a topless photo of herself displayed in the bedroom. Now that’s classy. I actually felt bad for her realtor, because the place looked as if it might collapse or spontaneously burst into flames at any second.

Anyway, after that experience, I can definitely say we’re headed for Frederick County – a little bit of an adjustment for someone who grew up making fun of “Frednecks,” but the houses out there are soooo much better. The first place we checked out in Frederick was the Harley house. This guy had Harley everything, up to and including a Harley cookie jar. The place was ok, but it just wasn’t what we wanted.

And then we went to the house. It is in the neighborhood we had identified as our number one choice. I loved it. John loved it. Even the realtor seemed impressed. 3 good-sized bedrooms, a huge kitchen, a really nice deck, a fenced-in back yard and a fireplace! It even backs up to a park. It’s not perfect – there’s a shed in the back yard that we don’t really want, the fridge is kind of crappy and the woman has vastly different taste than I do. Vastly. It is decorated all cutesy and pink and purple and froufy, which is just not my thing. But that can be fixed with paint. The main problem is that they’ve overpriced it by $20,000-$25,000. We could afford it, although it is at the top of our range, but the house is just not worth as much as they are asking for it. The realtor says all we can do is hope they don’t get any offers at that price, and then maybe make them an offer in the right price range next week. So, dear Internet, please keep your fingers crossed that no one else is willing to overpay for this house either! Or, alternatively, that another house in the same neighborhood will come on the market at the proper price. Preferably one without a lilac and floral master bathroom.

So I went to New York…

2005-03-21T21:47:00.000-05:00

…and it was lovely. My friend Julie and I haven’t spent that much time hanging out just the two of us in years. Her son Ben is a sweet natured and adorable little boy. And after the hectic pace of the last couple of weeks, I desperately needed a couple of days to relax. As it turns out, life moves very differently for a woman who is still breastfeeding an infant every two hours. You just can’t do all that much. Plus, Julie’s husband Mark fell and fractured his ankle a couple of days before I arrived, so he wasn’t very mobile. So we gabbed, and played with the baby, and went for walks in the park – two parks actually, one of which was Flushing Meadow Park, where they have the US Open, and which has been the site of two World’s Fairs. My parents went to the 1964 World’s Fair there and it was a little odd to think of them, younger than I am now, walking in the same place I was walking. Oh, and we watched Harold and Kumar Go to WhiteCastle on their ginormous TV. It was, as you might expect, was an occasionally funny but mostly stupid stoner movie. We made it more fun by actually going to WhiteCastle following the movie (they had burgers, I had fries.)

The one lame part was that my cold was still in the picture. I was a little worried that it was Hideous Cold of Death II: The Recoldening, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it is just my original cold going for an overblown, extended heavy-metal type ending. So I’m back, mostly healthy, definitely relaxed and diving back into my week. Which will include: a visit to the fertility specialist, dinner with my dad, and a separate (and probably far more enjoyable) dinner with my friend Becky, house hunting, lots and lots of work and more. Right back into thick of things I go.

I feel better!

2005-03-16T23:06:00.000-05:00

Finally, things are looking up. I’m slowly getting over the hideous cold of death. Monday I was possessed by an overwhelming urge to lie down all the time. This was fine at home – and for once my poor housekeeping skills paid off, as there was a convenient pile of clothes available when I actually did lie down on the floor at one point – but not so great at work. But now I am almost back to my old self. And just in time too, since I’m headed up to New York to see my friend Julie and meet her little boy Ben for the first time. It's going to be great.

In other good news, I have had time to adjust to the changes at work that had me completely freaked out, and I’ve realized everything is going to be ok. And in even better news, John’s mom got out of the hospital today. And finally, we have gotten all of our down payment money together, so the house buying process will really be getting moving as soon as I get back from New York.

Life is good. Yippee!

Hideous cold of death

2005-03-13T11:56:00.000-05:00

That’s what I’ve got. I think my immune system just threw up its hands and said “You are one stressed out cookie. I give up!” and then the cold germs blitzkrieged their way in and took over my body. The last few days have been a blur of DayQuil, massive amounts of nose blowing, visits to see my mother-in-law in the hospital (who is getting better) and sitting on the couch feeling like crap.

Yesterday I also managed to squeeze in lunch and spa time with Laila, who is struggling with her own strain of the cold of death. We went to lunch here, where we enjoyed crepes and their amazing pommes frites. We did not enjoy the service all that much – we think the waiter was trying to be snooty and French, but he actually just came across as not terribly efficient. And then we went here for massages and pedicures. Oh how I wish I could afford to have spa day on a regular basis (this spa day was a gift from Laila’s mom)! Particularly spa day with a Laila. It’s so much more fun when you have someone with whom you can debate whether or not you should wear your bra under your robe, to giggle in the hallway as you wait for a guy to clear out of the changing room, or to make fun of the ridiculous carousel dress in the Vanity Fair ad. And someone to discuss the spa people with. Like Laila’s gay male massage therapist who claimed he was “just like a woman” (nice try, but not really) and my excellent yet aggressively indifferent pedicurist, who seemed to want to pretend I wasn’t attached to the feet she was working on. Evil cold of death aside, it was a lovely day with one of my best friends and favorite people, which is in itself rejuvenating, even without the spa treatments.

Then this morning I had the bright idea that I wouldn’t take any cold medicine today. I would just let everything drain and I would feel so much better. Apparently the overwhelming flood of snot has finally started to affect my brain, because this is the hypothesis of an idiot. An idiot, I tell you! The only time I felt human all morning was when I was actually in the shower breathing in steam. The rest of the time? Complete and utter misery. So I chucked that plan and went back to my true love, DayQuil. I’m sorry DayQuil. I’ll never turn on you again.

I obviously need to work on my patience

2005-03-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

As it turns out, my day picked up. The snow stopped, although it is 50 degrees colder out now than it was yesterday. You know what is sad? I am not exaggerating even a little bit in that sentence. It was 70 yesterday and it is 20 degrees out with a wind chill below zero right now. That is fucked up.

My boss took me out to lunch and talked me off the ledge about the huge organizational changes that had me so down. I still have my doubts, but I am trying to be positive.

My coworkers realized they forgot my birthday and made up for it with a hastily purchased – and delicious – chocolate mousse cake and singing.

My brother called to wish me a happy birthday.

My friend Laila called to wish me a happy birthday. She’s trying to arrange spa day for us this weekend. Preferably at a spa that includes Valium in their treatments.

The lovely Becky emailed me with birthday wishes, and plans to go out for lunch or dinner.

Many fine fellow bloggers commented or emailed to say happy birthday.

And my wonderful, wonderful husband bought groceries, picked up takeout (vegetable tempura sushi, yum!) and is walking the dog right now so that I don’t have to go out in the insane cold on my birthday. And as if that wasn’t enough, I got presents too.

And the rest of my evening involves plans to snuggle on the couch with John and Seamus and watch Deadwood. So perhaps I gave up on this birthday a little too early.

Top Ten Reasons This Birthday Sucks

2005-03-08T11:22:00.000-05:00

(or Happy Fucking Birthday to me, the bitter version)

10. Yesterday it was 70 degrees out. Today, it’s snowing.
9. I have no lunch.
8. I have no car to use to go buy myself lunch.
7. I’ve crossed the line from early thirties to mid thirties.
6. My mom managed to work in a guilt trip and complaints about my father when she called to wish me happy birthday.
5. Everyone at work forgot my birthday. (edited to add: except for TZ, cause she’s awesome like that)
4. Everyone at work forgot my birthday because of huge organizational changes which I hate and which make me want to cry.
3. I have a headache and I’m exhausted.
2. While John’s mom’s surgery was a success, the recovery isn’t going so well. She will get better, but right now it is very stressful.
1. Did I mention it is snowing?

He's a prodigy, my boy is

2005-03-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

A prodigy at destruction, that is. John’s mom had surgery today. For some reason, they make you get to the hospital insanely early when you have surgery, so we had to get up at 4:45 am to drive her to the hospital. It goes against everything I believe in to be up that early, unless I am still up from the night before – and now that I am old and boring, I never roll in as the sun comes up anymore. However, this morning did go better than when my dad had his bypass surgery. That time I walked into a tree branch while out with the dog and gave myself a black eye. It’s genetic. My mom pulled a thermos down on her face and gave herself a black eye that same morning. People thought we got into a fist fight.

But I digress. This post is actually about Mr. Seamus and what a destructive genius he is. I wish I could post a photo of him so you could see what a sweet, innocent little beagle boy he appears to be (and is, most of the time). And then I could post a photo of the carnage he is capable of producing. Because this morning we disrupted his routine, and he is not a happy little dog when we deviate from his usual schedule. We knew he’d be freaked out this morning, but he outdid himself this time. He got into the trash. He shredded a bunch of newspapers in a recycling bag. And then there was the piece de resistance. He figured out how to open the refrigerator door and pulled out some cheese and a piece of cheesecake and left them on the floor. Not exactly what I wanted to come home to, but at the same time, you have to be impressed by his ingenuity and intelligence.

Oh, and John’s mom is doing well. More tales of our hospital misadventures coming tomorrow, after I've had a chance to get some sleep. At least this time I didn't give myself a black eye.

Questions for the ages

2005-03-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

I am so tired tonight. Just completely exhausted, because I woke up at 3:47 am and was up for at least an hour, wishing I could sleep. For your enjoyment, here are just a few of the questions I pondered as lay in my bed, bemoaning my sleepless fate.

Why is my right big toe so incredibly, ridiculously itchy?
Can you develop a raging case of athlete’s toe?
Or is my itchy toe a physical manifestation of my longing for spring? Could my toe be rebelling against shoes and socks and getting itchy to tell me it wants to be in sandals and slides again?
What the hell are the lyrics to that song “just checked in to see what condition my condition was in” about anyway?
Why does my left knee hurt? Is my body completely falling apart as I approach my 34th birthday?
Is that noise the lady downstairs snoring? Or is it the dog snoring?
Am I ever going to get back to sleep? How will I get back to sleep when all I can hear is that noise?
I wonder if lotion would help the toe?
Can I find the lotion without actually getting out of the bed or turning on a light? Ooh, I can.

From here my thoughts got more and more random, so I’ll spare you. Eventually I drifted back off to sleep, thank goodness. Hopefully the whole sleep process will go better tonight.

Disappointed in the Academy

2005-02-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

Are they ever going to give Scorsese an Oscar? Seriously, I have plenty of respect for Clint Eastwood. But Clint already won for Unforgiven. I have to admit I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby, mainly because that Hilary Swank just irritates me. Speaking of which, I can't believe she won another Oscar. I wanted Kate Winslet to win. But I am happy that Jamie Foxx won for Best Actor. Oh, and I didn't like the way they made the non-actor people accept their awards from their seats or all stand up on stage in a herd.

Taxi Driver...Raging Bull...Goodfellas...Casino...and many more. Why doesn't this man have an Oscar?

Adventures in house hunting

2005-02-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

John and I started driving around looking at potential future neighborhoods today. I was so excited to get started on the home buying process, I was like a small child on Christmas morning. We didn’t get off to the greatest start – we live in a very expensive county – and the first area we went to check out was a big disappointment. We went way the hell out in the country to a spot which I thought might be promising. But the townhouses out there were either shack-y looking or cost $400,000+. And we don’t have $400,000 to spend. So that was a little on the depressing side.

But then we went a little farther up the road, where the situation started to look more promising. Well, first we got a little lost. And by that point we were so far out in the country that once we missed our exit, we had to drive a ways before we could get turned back around. But once we figured out how to get where we wanted to be, we found three neighborhoods that we liked. And there are a couple more developments out there we didn’t get to see yet. Plus there are a few places closer in that we still have to check out. The whole notion of us actually buying a place is starting to feel real. It’s thrilling.

Makeup Poll

2005-02-23T22:22:00.000-05:00

I don't wear makeup very often. For one thing, I'm not a morning person, so bothering with makeup is very low on my list when I'm trying to get ready for work in the morning. And on the weekend I'm more likely to be hanging out with John and Seamus, who don't care whether I wear makeup or not. Hell, they probably don't even care if I wash my hair -- as long as it isn't gross or anything.

Anyway, I was putting makeup on over the weekend, and realized that everyhing I have is very old. Years old. And it is time to replace it. Pretty much all of it, except for the lipsticks.

And I need your suggestions. What are your favorite makeup products?

Please keep in mind that I do not need blush, as my rosacea gives me a rosy glow.

Also, I am not willing to spend $47 on a Chanel lipstick. I am willing to pay a premium for products that are not tested on animals however.

So, what've you got for me?

All Hail the Long Weekend

2005-02-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

I had a lovely three day weekend – jam packed full of fun and good times. I actually kicked off the weekend on Thursday night, when Laila and I went to dinner and to hear Judith Warner talk about her new book. That was very interesting and deserves its own post, which I will write later.

Friday was John’s birthday, and we celebrated with a Gentleman Jim’s pizza (John’s favorite, and also a favorite of one Mr. Frank Sinatra) cheese fries and homemade peanut butter chocolate cake. And presents of course. Can’t have a birthday without presents. On Saturday we took a drive in the country and had some delicious Mexican food for dinner. We also discovered that there is an Indian restaurant in Frederick, so if we end up having to move there, at least there will be something to eat.

Sunday was Laila and yoga day. I love getting to hang out with Laila and Noah. I wish I could find the words to express how much I admire Laila for handling single motherhood the way that she is. It’s not easy and certainly not the life she expected to have, and yet she’s a good mom, with a sweet and wonderful boy.

Monday was the day that made the weekend great. I was so nervous because we were meeting with the real estate agent and the mortgage guy, and I was convinced that they were going to laugh and point and tell us we couldn’t afford enough of a mortgage to buy a shed in someone’s back yard. But it went great! We qualify for more money than we thought we would. So now we’re starting on neighborhood research. It’s all very exciting. I had to physically restrain myself from spending the entire day at work looking at real estate listings online today. I was pretty strict with myself though, so I did manage to get some work done.

I wish every weekend could last three days. Particularly when the three days are like the ones I just had.

Saffron is my gang color, yo

2005-02-16T22:56:00.000-05:00

I accidentally started a fight with a comment on someone else’s blog today. I feel awful about it. It’s like the person whose blog it is invited me to a party and I got drunk and insulted her friends. And I inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings, which I never want to do. Do you know what the worst part is? I was talking about art.

Specifically the Christos the Gates installation in Central Park. Which I haven’t even seen in person, but which I think look quite nice in photos and on TV. And I like the meditative feel of the orange fabric and the way it contrasts with the park and moves in the wind, the notion of art that is open to all people, and the fact that Christos felt so strongly about the Gates that he raised the money to do it himself.

The question of whether or not that money was well spent was raised. I firmly believe that it was, for as I said in my comment, people have needs that go beyond food and shelter. At the same time, I’ve wrestled with the feeling that we should make sure all people have enough food to eat, roofs over their heads, access to medical care etc… before we go spending money on missions to mars and so on. I don’t know where exactly to draw that line. But I do applaud people who use their money to enrich the lives of others instead of just acquiring more possessions.

So, Laila, if you’re reading – I think I managed to outgeek you twice today. I mean, really, who starts a brawl about art?

Don’t count your quarters before they hatch

2005-02-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article online today about how there is a defect with some Wisconsin quarters that makes them worth up to $1,500. I immediately started getting all excited, because I had knew I had three – three! – Wisconsin quarters in my wallet. Yes, I am the dork who looks at her change and says “Oh look, Wisconsin quarters. I haven’t seen that quarter before” to the sales clerk. Who naturally could care less and just wants me to stop going on about the coins and get out of the way.

But I digress. My point is that I was about to come into some easy money. At $1,500 per quarter, I could turn $.75 into $4,500! That’s like a 500,000% return. Awesome! And the timing would be perfect what with us trying to buy a house and all.

The one problem with this beautiful windfall? It turns out I have perfectly ordinary, only worth $.25 quarters. Sigh.

Always go with your first instinct

2005-02-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

My weekend was insanely busy. So busy that between the two yoga classes, the surprise party (Happy Birthday Valerie!) the dinner with John’s mom, the brunch with my mom and the Tupperware party way out in Centerville (or, as I call any place I have to take Route 66 to get to, Hell), I had no time to cook anything, much less put together any sort of lunch.

I made my way to Whole Foods at lunchtime today, thinking that I wanted these Asian style noodles they make. I also wanted cake, but I pretty much always want cake. Who doesn’t? Sadly, when I got to Whole Foods, they didn’t have any of the noodles. After having a small internal tantrum, I decided that I will not be denied, so I went in search of the ingredients to make my own, peanuttier version tonight. This led to me wasting a bunch of time in the Asian food section, trying to decide if I wanted to Soba or Udon. In the end I just bought linguine. That’s probably some sort of gourmet crime (inauthentic noodles!), but whatever.

By this point I was starving, so I wandered back over to the prepared foods aisle. Where the 5 layer Mexican dip caught my eye. I love that dip. It is so tasty. However, that stupid voice in my head that tries to get me to make wise nutritional decisions just wouldn’t let me buy dip for lunch. Not even the small container. So we compromised and I got a bean and cheese burrito. Big mistake! It was awful. I don’t know if they switched to a new burrito maker or what, but the burrito was so spicy I couldn’t eat it. It was full of these very tiny pieces of some sort of very spicy green pepper. I spent about half an hour trying to pick the little pepper bits out, and then gave up and threw it away. I knew I should have gotten the dip. Or cake.

Wild Night

2005-02-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

Thursday night was awesome. I was up way past my bed time with two of my best friends in the whole world – Jules and Laila. There was flinging of food, singing, wrestling, nudity, and someone peed in a corner. Were we partying with rock stars? Nope. We were hanging out with toddlers. Replace peeing in the corner with puking and you’ve got a description of many a night from our college years …but times have changed.

Jules was passing through town on her way back up the coast, so we all gathered at Laila’s for the evening. The toddlers were Jules’ little boy Malcolm and Laila’s son Noah. We got the kids fed, and then they ran around the kitchen while we ate. And then we played hide & seek, toddler style, ran around the island in the kitchen a bunch of times, took all of the toys out of the cabinet and then put them all back in, had little tiny ice cream sandwiches, and climbed on chairs. I refereed a fight over a toy. The kids enjoyed running around naked. I learned that toddlers are very fond of the words “no!” and “mine!” Plus they are very dramatic, but luckily, also easily distracted.

After the kids went to bed, the three of us sat around and gabbed. It was a wonderful night. They only way it could have been better would have been if I had a kid of my own running around with Malcolm and Noah. Well, that, and if it could be a regularly occurring kind of evening. But Jules lives in New Hampshire now, and I’m pretty sure Laila is going to go back to California. I miss my friends when they are far away. And it makes me sad that I’m not going to be a part of Malcolm and Noah’s lives except on an occasional basis. But at least we got in one more wild night together.

100 Things About Me

2005-02-09T23:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote this 100 Things post for my new blog, but I'm posting it here so you all can see I'm not some sort of slacker, and I really am working on this new blog. Which I've decided will probably be simpler than I had originally planned it to be. But not so simple that it doesn't have a cool photoblog, because Zoot has offered to create one for me. She's cool like that. So here are 100 facts you may or may not know about me.

1. My name is Hillary.
2. I’m a Pisces.
3. I’m in my early thirties.
4. My hair is curly, and blondish.
5. I am 5ft 1 ½ inches tall.
6. That ½ inch is very important.
7. My husband’s name is John.
8. We’ve been together for almost ten years, married for almost three.
9. My dog’s name is Seamus.
10. He’s a beagle. And he’s adorable.
11. We got him from the pound.
12. I’m extremely liberal. Socialist even.
13. My husband is even more liberal than I am.
14. I’m a vegetarian.
15. A vegetarian who does not eat fish.
16. So, no, I can’t “just have the tuna sandwich”
17. I have a degree in art history and political science from Wellesley College.
18. I love art and I can go on about politics for hours.
19. So naturally, I’m a marketing director for a company that publishes investment newsletters.
20. I write copy and work on our e-business development. Among other things.
21. Bad Penguin is not my first blog.
22. I had one called Hilldery that I closed after I got outed at work.
23. Because the outing was followed by a call from the VP of Human Resources.
24. I live just outside of Washington DC.
25. 10 minutes from the house where I grew up.
26. I love being at the center of all that is familiar.
27. My husband would rather live in Canada or Ireland or travel the world in a camper, having adventures.
28. Someday we probably will try living somewhere else.
29. But right now we’re trying to buy a house here.
30. And have a baby.
31. I really want a baby.
32. And I wouldn’t mind another dog.
33. I have a brother named Tim.
34. He’s 12 years younger than I am.
35. He’s far away in Asheville, going to college.
36. When I was in college, I spent two summers working as a park ranger.
37. At the White House (aka Presidents’ Park) and the JFK Birthplace (a National Historic Site)
38. It was some of the most rewarding and worthwhile work I’ve ever done.
39. My parents are divorced.
40. They hate each other, and are much happier now.
41. Sometimes they are very juvenile toward each other, which makes me nuts.
42. My father is a little crazy. Sometimes he combines the crazy with religion.
43. This has made me very uncomfortable with most organized religions.
44. Except Buddhism. Well, and Quakers and Unitarians.
45. A Unitarian married John and me. He helped us write our own ceremony.
46. I read a lot.
47. I’m willing to give almost any kind subject matter a try, but it does have to be well written.
48. I probably read science fiction and mysteries the most.
49. But I like non-fiction too.
50. I’ve recently taken up knitting
51. I like it, but I can’t do anything very complicated yet.
52. I also love to cook. I’m pretty good at it.
53. Becoming a vegetarian has really expanded my culinary horizons.
54. I am a fabulous baker.
55. I entered the Pillsbury Bake-Off once, but they didn’t choose my recipe. Even though it is amazing.
56. Those Pillsbury people can be short-sighted bastards.
57. I used to speak French fluently, but since I don’t have anyone to speak it with, I’ve forgotten a lot.
58. I have been to France twice.
59. The first time I went to Paris and Tours.
60. The second time to Paris and Perpignan.
61. Both trips were awesome.
62. I am not a very good sleeper. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. And everything wakes me up.
63. My mom can fall asleep in two minutes. And everyone else in my family sleeps like they are in a coma. It’s very annoying to me.
64. Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
65. Music is very important to me.
66. I’ll listen to just about any genre.
67. But my favorites tend to be in punk rock, alternative, the blues and rock n’ roll.
68. I started taking yoga classes about six months ago.
69. I took to it like a duck to water.
70. But it is harder than it looks.
71. I studied ballet for years, so luckily I was already pretty flexible.
72. When I was 16, I played Glinda the Good Witch of the North in the ballet version of the Wizard of Oz. I was also one of the daughters of the rainbow.
73. Ok, the first 69 weren’t that hard, but I’m running out of inspiration.
74. Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
75. There, a quote from the Simpsons. I can pretty much always find a way to tie the Simpsons in to what is going on.
76. If I were a character on the Simpsons, I would probably be Lisa.
77. Yep, I was kind of a geek.
78. Well, in middle school I was a geek.
79. By high school I was a tough punk rocker, but I still had geeky tendencies. And a goody goody reputation.
80. I had great friends in high school.
81. Particularly my friend Laila, who is still one of my nearest and dearest.
82. My college crew – aka my bitches – are like family.
83. That would be Jules, Julie, Ariane and Carri.
84. I wish we weren’t scattered all over the east coast.
85. Jules and I once played checkers with shots of tequila. That was a bad idea.
86. When she went into labor with her son Malcolm, John and I drove all night to be with her.
87. I was going to write something about each of them, but then I remembered this is supposed to be 100 things about me.
88. My favorite Sesame Street character was Snufflelupagus. I probably spelled that wrong. I should’ve gone with the Count, but that would be a lie. I liked him, but he wasn’t my favorite.
89. I do, however, have a bizarre fascination with vampire stories and movies.
90. The same goes for Jack the Ripper stories and movies.
91. Speaking of Jack the Ripper movies, I’m a fan of Johnny Depp. (From Hell)
92. Ok, now I’m just getting tired and loopy.
93. My parents were very restrictive when I was growing up.
94. They once made me turn off an episode of Silver Spoons because they felt it was getting too racy.
95. I’m not kidding.
96. So as I got older, I lied to them a lot.
97. It was the only way I ever got to leave the house.
98. But now I’m a very honest person.
99. I’m also a very clumsy person.
100. A very clumsy, short, curly haired liberal person who has finally made it to 100!

Random bits

2005-02-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

• First of all the weather. I mean, holy crap, global warming is real and we are all screwed, because the weather, she is fucked up all over the world. And at the same time, holy crap, I love this weather! Do you know what I wore to walk Seamus tonight? A long sleeved shirt and a little sweatshirt. And I could have gotten away with less. It is so nice and warm out.

• Second, is it odd that I find it slightly offensive that someone I thought was my friend reads and comments on a blog I introduced her to, but never comments on mine? I realize I’m not as good as certain other bloggers, but damn, I don’t suck that much.

• Third, does anyone else find Karl Rove as scary as I do? I already hold him responsible for many of the Bush administration policies I find most repugnant, so it isn’t terribly reassuring to see him getting more power.

Musical meme

2005-02-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

So BMH picked me to do this meme, which actually comes as relief, cuz I've got nothing else to talk about. I have had a week that was both very busy and extremely boring. I don’t think even the most talented writer in the world could have made my week interesting or amusing. It hasn’t been particularly good or bad. Just a long slog with lots o’ crap to get done. So without further ado, the music meme:

1. Song that sounds like happy feels: My Blue Heaven

2. Earliest memory: Singing Burl Ives and Peter Paul and Mary songs with my mom. I was also a big fan of singing with the Count on Sesame Street, which is ironic given my hatred of math.

3. Last CD you bought: Concrete Blonde Live in Brazil, which was a disappointment.

4. Reminds you of school:
Elementary School: This one is sad, but one of the teachers died when I was in 4th grade, and they sent us home early. I remember hearing Kenny Rogers’ the Gambler on the bus on the way home. I also remember hearing Kiss and Pink Floyd.

Junior High: Duran Duran and Prince (Purple Rain)

High School: The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Depeche Mode, the Clash, the Jam, Madness, the Police, 10,000 Maniacs, and REM. This list could go on for hours, so I’ll stop now.

College: Nirvana, Jane’s Addiction, Nine Inch Nails, Red Hot Chili Peppers, various local Boston bands, Melissa Ethridge, Patsy Cline, Aretha Franklin, BB King and Led Zeppelin.

5. Total music files on your PC: That are mine? Not even one. I have no idea how to download a song. My husband, on the other hand, has about 15 bazillion.

6. Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed: Bonnie Raitt -- I Can’t Make You Love Me. Also, Kasey Chambers -- Water in the Fuel. And in my dramatic teenage years, Blasephemous Rumors by Depeche Mode.

7. Song that sounds British, but isn't: Lunatic Fringe, Red Rider
8. Song you love, band you hate: I don’t really hate them, but I’m not a huge fan – Ripple by the Grateful Dead.

9. A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down: Man on the Corner, by Genesis from the album Abacab. I insisted I remembered this song from the 80’s. My friends said I was making it up. One day, one of them heard it on the radio, and I was vindicated!

10. Bought the album for one good song: I’m sure there’s more than one, but I can’t come up with a single example.

11. Worst Song to Get Stuck in your Head: Oh, there are so many. I’m going to go with Lovin’ You by Minnie Ripperton.

12. Best song to dump a beer on someone's head to, then storm out of the bar? All I can come up with for this one is Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Gimme Three Steps. Which is about running out of a bar, but not storming. Or maybe Chain of Fools.

13. Who should do this next? I'm going to say Claire, and Mylissa. I haven't seen either of them do a meme in a while.

Appearances aren’t always what they seem

2005-01-27T23:36:00.000-05:00

Or, how all my neighbors got the idea I was a raging alcoholic.

For some reason this story has popped into my head a couple of times this week, so I decided to write about it.

Back when I first graduated from college, I lived with a bunch of my friends in a three family house in Somerville, MA. We had a nice apartment on the ground floor, with a huge kitchen, a little porch in the back and a decent sized yard, perfect for barbecuing. It was a nice place to live, but we did not fit in to the neighborhood. Most of our neighbors were working class families or older people who had lived there for years. And who had lots of Virgin Marys and Jesus statues in their yards. Naturally, our dog Wesley liked to growl at the statues, only adding to our bad rep as those “wild” young girls with the devil dogs. It was kind of a narrow minded neighborhood, and we stood out like sore thumbs, with our assortment of multi-ethnic, punk rock, crazy hippie and the occasional (obviously) lesbian friends. And oh, how we were hated.

My roommates and I all had crappy, just-out-of-school jobs. I worked retail, toiling away in a mall bookstore. Sometimes I had to open the store, but mostly, I worked the evening shift, which was 1:30 to 10. Which mostly meant that my roommates just waited for me to get home before starting the party. Endearing us to the neighbors even more, I’m sure. But hey, we were fresh out of college! Staying up late, eating junk food, smoking a lot and drinking were what we knew. And we weren’t really all that excessive. We were party girls by Wellesley standards, but that ain’t saying much. So we’d stay up until 2 or so, and then toddle off to bed one by one.

One of the benefits living where we did was that we could walk down to Ball Square to buy stuff and do things. And most mornings, I would get up around 10 or 11 and walk with one or both of the dogs down to the liquor store on the corner, where I would buy a pack of cigarettes, a two liter of Coke, and usually a bag of chips or some sort of liquor-store snack. Healthy eating was really high on my agenda. Then I would walk home, with my paper bag from the liquor store, get my first hit of caffeine and nicotine for the day, and get ready to go to work. Anyway, one day I saw the curtains a-twitching as I went down the sidewalk, and realized that there was a collection of disapproving biddies who watched me trek down to the corner and back every morning. They all thought I was picking up a fifth of bourbon or something every day! I was a neighborhood scandal.

If only they knew how boring the truth really was.

Frustrated

2005-01-26T22:44:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to get my new blog up and running. The problem is, I have no time. Plus, I've got the added bonus of having no idea what I am doing. And I generally don't even get to start working on it until 10 p.m. You know, when I'm at my sharpest and best at figuring out new stuff.

Sometimes the experimenting is fun, although I thought I'd be done by now. There's been a lot of trial and error, and I don't have much to show for my efforts yet. And then there are nights like tonight. I just spent an hour trying to figure out how to export the entries from my first blog to the new one. The MT directions made it sound like it would be so simple. Maybe it is, but not for me. I did something wrong and it didn't work.

And wait until you see the site. It isn't even complicated! I'm feeling extra slow right now.

A fabulous weekend, and then…blah

2005-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

I had a really nice weekend. It snowed again, and I used that as an excuse to not leave the house for most of Saturday and Sunday. I did lots of laundry, organized my files, cleaned the bathroom, baked a cake and made a delicious vegetarian shepherd’s pie. Plus, I got to spend some quality time with my husband and my dog. And only four people showed up for my yoga class on Sunday night, so it was almost like having a private lesson. All in all, a very satisfactory weekend.

Then this morning it was 14 degrees out. I got to work and half of the people on my hall were out sick. Of the people who actually made it into the office, half were getting sick or getting over being sick. The majority of my projects were stalled because the people I needed weren’t there. I was freezing and exhausted for most of the day, which didn’t help my productivity much either.

I would have been much better off staying in bed today.

DC is for Wussies

2005-01-19T22:57:00.000-05:00

We got a whopping two inches of snow on the ground here today. Two whole inches, and everyone here is all freaked out. I had to run some errands after work, and there weren’t any people on the roads or in the stores. They are actually opening the schools two hours late tomorrow.

Holy crap, a guy just got hit by a car on Lost! I didn’t see that coming.

Where was I? Oh, right, snow. It amazes me how badly people in the DC area deal with snow. I mean, I am not a winter person, but I manage to carry on when there’s only two inches of snow. I even like looking at the snow. And, actually, I love being outside at night when it is snowing. That has a magical feeling to it. I just hate the inconvenience that comes after a snowfall. Well, the inconvenience and the cold. It has been insanely cold here this week.

But not everyone hates the snow. Seamus is thrilled. Except that the snowmelt they put down on the sidewalks hurts his paws. He’ll just stop and hold one paw up, looking miserable as he waits for me to brush it off. Which led to confusion when he stopped to point at something tonight. He also likes to stick his nose in the snow and blow out, which is awfully cute. I'm glad someone is getting some enjoyment of it.

Ze Beeg Partay

2005-01-17T23:17:00.000-05:00

My friend Jules’ party was a huge success, even with me falling down on the guest-supplying front. While I knew I would have a good time – it goes against the laws of physics for me to be with Laila, Jules and Melissa and not have a good time – I didn’t realize how much fun everyone else would have. But there were a couple of things I hadn’t taken into account. First of all, Jules is good at this. Really good. She’s working on a plan to buy the company from the current owner, and I’m positive she’s going to make it even more successful than it already is. Her presentation was fun and informative and she really made it a party.

Second, the women who came treated it like it really was a party, and not just a sales pitch. They were there with their best friends just like I was. They scooped up hors d’oeuvres and free booze (featuring the debut of the Girlz Nite Out signature martini served in the most gorgeous glasses ever) and delicious desserts. They played the games, and participated in Jules’ “tricks and tips” challenges, laughed and made rowdy jokes. Everyone had a blast.

And then they went in and bought a whole lot of stuff! I was astounded when Jules told me the grand total. And yes, I bought a couple of items. I had carefully put my list together, including one piece which really only made the list because I was trying to be a good friend. And then it turns out that because I helped throw the party, I get a merchandise credit! So I guess I didn’t have to worry about my revenue contribution after all. Not that Jules would have cared if whether or not I spent a dime.

So, if you ever get the chance to go to one of these parties, I can assure you it will be a good time. Now I must get off the internet before I go order those martini glasses from Crate & Barrel. I hate martinis, so I really, really don't need them. Even though I am in love with their prettiness.

Reason #927 Why I Love My Husband

2005-01-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I made a gingerbread house. My mother-in-law gave me a kit for Christmas, and I thought my two-year old nephew might enjoy it. Which he did, for about 7.2 seconds and then it was back to "Play cars and trucks now!"

Which left me with this gingerbread house that I had no use for whatsoever. For me, gingerbread houses are like easter eggs -- I enjoy the decoration part, but I have no interest in eating the result.

So we trucked the gingerbread house back home, and I said to John, "What the hell do I do with this thing?" And in a flash, it came to him...set it out in the woods! And now there's a miniature Hansel and Gretel house out there in the woods behind our house for someone to find. I like to think that a family of mice has set up house inside. That, or maybe some stoners from the high school will find it.

Dilemma

2005-01-11T23:26:00.000-05:00

My friend Jules is in town, visiting from New Hampshire. Yay! Now, Jules has a day job with a company here in DC, which she is about to give up to return to graduate school. And she also has one of those jobs where she has parties and sells things and gets a percentage of the profits. She’s having a party here on Saturday, and she’s asked if I want to invite anyone from work.

Which brings us to my problem. I want to be a supportive friend and bring guests to buy stuff from her. But I work for a very conservative company, and Jules, being Jules doesn’t sell plain ol' ordinary Pampered Chef products. At her parties she sells, hmm, let’s call them sex accessories. Don’t get me wrong – I have no problems with people purchasing and using said accessories. And I know the party will be a lot of fun. But a) people can be weird about sex and might get offended and b) I’m not sure I want to see any of my co-workers waving “the dolphin” around. There are some mental images you just don’t want. I think inviting people from work is out.

Jules and I know all of the same people, so there’s no other pool of potential customers for me to tap. One of my friends may come for the entertainment value, but she doesn’t want to buy anything. I have promised not to yell “Oh my God it’s a zombie penis!” like I did when Jules practiced her spiel on me, but that’s pretty much all I can do to help sales at this point.

So, how much do you think I have to purchase to be a good friend and make up for not contributing any guests to the party?

Waaah

2005-01-10T23:13:00.000-05:00

Warning: sometimes bitter, completely self-indulgent post ahead. I’m overtired, cranky and feeling sorry for myself. And I’ve got a few things to say.

• How can someone as tired as I am be so completely incapable of falling asleep at night?

• Today was one of those days where my job made me want to drink. Seriously. Three-quarters of the people I talked to today seemed to be going out of their way to alienate, irritate or misunderstand me. And if something could do wrong it did. Grrr.

• To the guy behind me in line at the self checkout at Whole Foods. Yes, I dared to pay for my lunch with one dollar bills. I realize cash is passé, but I didn’t think it was necessary to charge my $5 lunch to a credit card. No need for you to heave a big dramatic sigh. Or to practically shove me out of the way to scan your own food when I was done. Jerk.

• After being rushed by Impatient McPushy in the checkout line, I got trapped behind a pack of cars going 40 mph in a 55 mph zone. 15 miles under the speed limit is enough to make my head explode.

• To my sister-in-law (a multi-part whine):
1. Do not take your insecurities about being a mother out on me. As it happens, I actually think you’re a pretty good mom. But don’t tell me that once I have children, I’ll come around to your way of thinking. I’m not going to spank my children, and I think I can raise them healthily as vegetarians. And I don’t think that will make me a bad mother. I realize you see independent thought as a threat and perhaps some sort of criticism, but it’s not.

2. Oh, and by the way…my dog is not a plague carrier. Don’t treat him like one. And no, I won’t change my mind and think that he can’t sniff my baby once I have one.

3. As a matter of fact, there is a separation of church and state clause in the Constitution. It is in the Bill of Rights and goes like this: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. You’re a lawyer. You should know that. And another thing. The people who founded this country were not of your religion. They called the Pope the Whore of Rome, and burned him in effigy. If they had tied their religion to the state, you wouldn’t be very happy right now, would you? We have a separation of church and state so that all citizens have freedom of religion, not just you.

Now, hopefully tonight I can get some damn sleep and tomorrow will be a better day.

House!

2005-01-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

So, I was going to write a follow-up to yesterday’s post. I thought perhaps I would expand on Seamus’ coat-destroying abilities, or tell the story of how one time when my mom watched him, he jumped op on the counter and stole a pound cake.

Or tell you more stories from the wedding…about how my heart melted when I watched John read a story to baby Malcolm on New Year’s Day…perhaps share John’s review of Flight of the Phoenix with you. Super-condensed version: “When Dennis Quaid gets to Heaven, Jimmy Stewart ought to walk up to him and kick him in the nuts for ruining this movie.”

But, I’m all distracted now. You see, my landlord recently told me that he won’t be renewing our lease when it expires at the end of May. And we’ve been weighing our options and I think we’re going to try to buy a house. A house! A house! Well, actually, knowing our budget, it will most likely be a townhouse. And we can’t afford to live anywhere that is convenient to anything. But I don’t care. Because in a few months, we could have a place of our very own!

Late to the party

2005-01-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to participate in National De-Lurking Day, but this is the first chance I’ve had to blog all day. Now it’s 10 o’clock and everyone is probably busy watching the 2nd hour of Alias. Anyway, if by some chance you haven’t heard by now, Sheryl came up with the idea to encourage lurkers to de-lurk, just for the day and say hello. So, if anyone out there wants to de-lurk at this late hour, please do.

That is, if anyone is still reading after I haven’t posted in six days! For which I am truly sorry. Here’s what’s been going on, since I last wrote:

Wednesday: Woke up depressed about my dad. Ate many peanut butter Hershey kiss cookies. Eventually decided that my relationship with my dad has always sucked and will continue to suck until the day he dies (which suddenly seems much closer) and all I can do is try to accept that fact. Had a nice dinner with my friend Laila.

Thursday: Spent the day frantically searching for a dress to wear to my friend Carri's wedding on Friday. Ended up spending way more money than I wanted to, but at least I had something to wear. Came home to the excellent news that John’s final grades were posted and I am now married to a college graduate. Yay! Got pizza and cheese fries to celebrate. Had stupid fight with John about whether or not the suit he wanted to pack for the wedding was too casual.

Friday: Got up insanely early to fly to New Hampshire, after getting no sleep because I am a freak and woke up once an hour all night long because I was worried about oversleeping. Drove to my friend Jules’ house and got ready for the wedding. John’s reaction to me in the wedding outfit made it worth every penny. Drove to Marblehead for the wedding, which was lovely. My friend Carri looked beautiful and so happy. The church she got married in was built in 1714 and modeled after a church that Christopher Wren designed in London after the great Fire of 1666, which you probably only care about if you are a geek like me. Then it was back to NH to ring in the New Year with Jules. And celebrate her birthday, which is January 1st.

Saturday: Got up early. Played with Jules’ adorable baby boy Malcolm. Longed for child of my own. Flew home. Picked up naughty doggy who has managed to destroy my mom’s winter coat, which I am now going to have to replace.

Sunday: Try to do all of the things I didn’t get done on my vacation. Fail miserably. Go to yoga class, which is awesome, as always.

Monday: While walking the dog, realize I have to speak at the 2005 Kickoff meeting we’re having at work that afternoon. Swear a lot. Go to work and try to remember what I said I’d talk about when we planned the meeting weeks ago. Somehow pull off the presentation.

Tuesday: Struggle to focus on work. Fail miserably.

Wednesday: Did I take a vacation? Where did this huge mountain of work come from? Can I take another vacation?

But enough about my problems

2004-12-29T13:40:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of people in Asia whose lives have been destroyed. Help them, if you can.

The American Red Cross, OxFam America, UN World Food Programme and UNICEF

And thanks to Chris, for doing this on his site first. I wish I'd thought of it.

A series of unfortunate events (part the first)

2004-12-28T23:38:00.000-05:00

Some people might prefer posts with birds chirping and happy little elves…this is not the post for you. Feel free to read on, but you’ve been warned. (with apologies to the Lemony Snicket movie, the only bright spot I’ve had in the last couple of days.)

So, Christmas went ok. I got gifts I like, and people seemed to like the gifts I bought them. All in all, I was feeling pretty chipper. Sunday came, and we had a decent dinner with my Dad with only light to moderate weirdness.

On Monday morning, I was preparing to start my vacation. My time to relax, do stuff around the house, hang out with my husband and my dog, get the new blog all set up. And then I got the phone call. My dad had collapsed and they had taken him to the emergency room. They didn’t know what the problem was, but he was in and out of consciousness and couldn’t tell them what was going on – it could be a stroke or a heart attack.

**Before I go any farther, just so you know, my Dad is now fine. He went home from the hospital this evening**

Naturally, John had just left with the car five minutes before I got the call. And just as naturally, when I called my mom for a ride, she had to be difficult, and decided to send my brother to come get me instead. But before he could get here, John came home and we headed to the hospital.

Where I learned several things:

1. my father, the doctor, has diabetes, which he suspected, but didn’t bother to get checked out. On Monday it was so out of control, his blood sugar was 553 (for reference it should be between 60 and 90)
2. when your blood sugar gets that high, you can have a stroke or go into a coma
3. my dad had chest pain on Saturday night, but decided it was nothing and took a Percocet he had left over from going to the dentist (as an aside, we have the same dentist, and that man has never given me so much as a Tylenol. Where’s my fucking Percocet?)
4. My dad has a girlfriend. Named Margaret. She seems very nice.

The extremely efficient people in the ER established that he had not had a heart attack or a stroke, and started giving him insulin. And as his blood sugar came down, my dad became coherent and conscious again, which was nice to see.

He claims this was the wakeup call that he needed and he will change his diet, and exercise and take his Glucotrol. He did those things for a while after he had his bypass surgery when I was in college, so, maybe he will.

But the past two days have been a rollercoaster for me. Worry, of course. Guilt – when the nurse was asking me questions about my dad, I didn’t know the answers. Does he drink? Well, he never drank much, but for all I know, he downs a bottle of whiskey every night now. I mean, I didn’t see him for six months this year. Resentment. Resenting my mom for being unhelpful and bitchy throughout this whole episode. Resenting my dad for not taking care of himself. And then there’s the depressing realization that my parents are getting older, and this is probably just the first of many times I’m going to end up racing to the hospital because one or the other of them is sick.

Merry Christmas, Internet!

2004-12-26T17:01:00.000-05:00

Am still very busy with the seemingly endless family holiday marathon. Plus, I ended up sleeping for close to 12 hours (with a short one-hour break to walk and feed Seamus)in an attempt to recover from the craziness of Friday and Saturday.

But, I wanted to say Merry Christmas to all my blog friends.

And share with you the highlight of my day yesterday -- a combination of words that I am absolutely sure have never been said together before, and that are unlikely to be repeated -- uttered by one of John's step relatives after opening one of his presents.

"Aw, snap! Edgar Allan Poe, my favorite!"

Gotta love those southern Maryland teenagers.

Slightly Crazed Penguin

2004-12-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

In the past week, I:

• watched the movie the Commitments, which left me with the urge to describe things as “brilliant” and people as “right fuckin’ eejits.” But I’ve restrained myself.

• worked very late. A lot. It feels like I’ve done nothing but run from the second I got to work each day until I crawled out the office door late at night. The upside of this is that after tomorrow, I will be off of work for 10, yes 10, glorious days!

• bought a lot of gifts. I’m not a great shopper, but I do enjoy buying people presents.

• listened to my wonderful Yahtzee! CD from BMH. Along with the bonus Christmas CD she sent me. :)

• baked cookies for my co-workers.

• wrapped presents using strips of packing tape because we ran out of scotch tape. And by ran out of, I mean were the victims of a mysterious tape dispenser disappearance.

• visited three nurseries to help my mom find the right (read: least insanely overpriced) Christmas tree, helped her put up said Christmas tree, and helped her put up lights on her front steps.

• saw the movie Closer. Mini-review:
John: That sucked.
Me: Oh, it wasn’t that bad. You could tell it was originally a play though.
John: No, it sucked.
Me: Well, I didn’t really feel the characters were very sympathetic…
John: Complete suckitude.

• knitted frantically, trying to finish this stupid scarf for my father in law. It looks nice, but it is taking forever. Whoever said you can make a scarf in two days was either making a very small scarf or a liar.

• felt guilty because I have gotten many nice Christmas cards, but didn’t send any. Maybe I’ll send Happy New Year cards.

• attended a work-related Christmas party that I didn’t think I would enjoy, but that turned out to be fun. And they served three cheese croquettes and fennel tartlets. Yum!

• got hosed on shipping costs by UPS. That’s what you get when you don’t make it to the shipping store to mail your packages until December 22nd. Sigh. At least they were friendly, efficient, and had boxes for my two light but oddly sized packages.

At least I’m almost done! Once I get through Christmas, I just might sleep for a couple of my days off. How are your holiday preparations going?

So that others can learn from my mistakes

2004-12-19T01:19:00.000-05:00

If you want to have a baby, but what you have instead is PMS (again,) take a little tip from me.

Under no circumstances should you watch the show “Make Room for Baby.”

If you do, you will most likely find yourself sitting on your couch., clutching your knitting and crying as you watch the 21 year old single mom with a dead brother give birth…hoping that your husband doesn’t wander into the living room and see you blubbering…hating yourself for crying over such a corny show…and yet, unable to change the channel.

In fact, no woman with PMS should watch this show. It hits the trifecta of cheesiness – sort of a combination of A Baby Story, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and While You Were Out. When the mother-to-be with the sob story goes into labor, the host of the show, a designer, carpenters, and the mother-to-be’s friends come in and redo some part of the house and create a space for the baby. It’s hokey and poorly produced, with all sorts of manufactured drama (hello, you show a woman in labor. No fake drama needed) but somehow strangely compelling.

And the worst part is, I had to go meet my mom and I didn’t even get to see the end of the show!

If ever I meet Paul McCartney…

2004-12-18T13:08:00.000-05:00

I will thank him for all of the excellent music he has brought to the world.

I will congratulate him for being a vegetarian and all of the good works he has done over the years.

And then I will ever-so-gently punch him in the nose for the song “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time.”

Not only is it annoying to hear, but it is so damn sticky! It has been playing in my head, over and over, for two days now.

For Claire

2004-12-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

For Claire, who wants to know.

Three names you go by: Bad Penguin, Hillary, Hills

Three screen names you have: badpenguin01, hilldery, and well, my actual name.

Three things you like about yourself: I’m a good listener, a dependable friend, and I have nice hair

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: I’ve let myself get out of shape, I doubt myself too much, I’m too impatient

Three parts of your heritage: Irish, more Irish, German

Three things that scare you: Infertility, family members dying, what the Bush administration is doing to my country and the world

Three of your everyday essentials: the happy dance my dog does when I come home, John’s sleepy smile, a nice cup of (decaf) tea before bed

Three things you are wearing right now: brown pants, blue sweater, lovely brown shoes with buckle

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Only three, that’s tough. Kasey Chambers, U2, the Rolling Stones

Three of your favorite songs at present: Water in the Fuel (Kasey Chambers); Lake of Fire (Nirvana cover version); Chain of Fools (Aretha Franklin)

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): Laughter, friendship, warmth

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months: to learn more about Buddhism, to improve my writing, to not get any more stupid cavities in my teeth

Two truths and a lie: I used to be a Park Ranger. I actually did vote for a Republican once (on purpose). I have never left the United States.

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you: Eyes. Then smile. Then chest and arms.

Three things you just can't do: be coordinated, calculus, be cheerful early in the morning

Three of your favorite hobbies: blogging, reading, knitting

Three things you want to do really badly right now: buy a house, have a baby, see my husband happier in the life we have now. Or is that supposed to be more immediate? Then it is: eat nachos, work on the design for my new blog, and never have to think about direct order entry (annoying work project) again!

Three careers you're considering: I kind of like the one I have. Or free-lance writer or something that helps other people, like UN relief worker or working for a non-profit

Three places you want to go on vacation: Ireland, South Pacific, Greece

Three kids' names: Liam, Kate, Kira

Three things you want to do before you die: Skydive, see more of the world, contribute something to making the world a better place

Three people you'd like to take this quiz now: Crazy Single Mom, BMH, and Pink Stiletto

I have seen my doom

2004-12-13T18:06:00.000-05:00

In Huis Clos, Hell is being stuck in a room with no door with a bunch of strangers. You can’t leave, you can’t sleep, you can’t even close your eyes, because you have no eyelids. It always sounded pretty awful

But that is not the Hell that waits for me. No, I caught a glimpse of it today, and now I know how I will be punished for my sins.

I will have to sit in the dentist’s office, so cold that I am shivering, reading a two month old People magazine, suffering from one of those screwdriver-in-the-eye, on-the-verge-of-throwing-up headaches. Half of my face will be numb, and I will have to listen to a truly hideous version of some kid singing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.”

And instead of feeling like it is lasting forever, it actually will last forever.

Been working?

2004-12-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

No, been working.

You have to imagine saying the title and first line in a Monty Pythonesque British accent. That's how it sounds in my head.

So this week I've had a ridiculous amount of work to do, Christmas parties to attend, gifts to buy and errands to run. And then when I finally got home each night, I had to decide between posting here, obsessing about the new blog, working on the scarf that is my father-in-law's Christmas present and talking to my husband. Obsessing, knitting and hubby-time won out every time. Oh, and watching Lost. I made sure to walk in the door at 7:59 on Wednesday night. Do I have my priorities straight or what?

But now John is off with the car taking final exams all weekend, so I'll be home, dealing with the mound of laundry that has piled up, and blogging away.

Choose my new url

2004-12-05T22:42:00.000-05:00

So, I'm thinking about moving to my own url. Naturally www.badpenguin.com is taken. No one appears to be using it, but it is not available for me to reserve. So, I've come up with some potential alternatives, and I'd like your opinions. What address do you like best?

www.bad-penguin.com
www.badpenguin1.com
www.badpenguinblog.com

And, of course, suggestions of urls not on my list are welcome.

I want...

2004-12-04T19:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about envy. Not envy in the seven deadly sin sense, but envy as a motivator. When you see that someone else has done something that you think you could do. Or should be able to do. Something that makes you say to yourself “I want…” and gives you a kick in the ass to get moving, to make changes, to go for what you want. Sometimes it is easy to see how to get where I want to go.

Other times, it’s harder to figure out. I want to be a better writer. I want this blog to be better than it is. I’m very good at the writing I do for work. I’m not bragging, just stating a fact. I’ve convinced a lot of people to part with a lot of money for the services my company provides. But that doesn’t mean I’m good at the type of writing that I think is important. I want to write at a higher level, but I don’t think I’ve found my voice yet. It frustrates me sometimes.

And then I remind myself that I had to work to get to level of writing I’m at professionally. It didn’t just happen overnight. I want to write the kinds of posts that move people – to laughter, anger, sadness – something. Not just ramble on about my trips to the dentist. Or at least be entertaining when I do ramble on about my trips to the dentist. I want to write essays, or maybe short stories. I even have ideas for magazine articles, not that I know what to do with them. But I’m not quite there. I’m going to keep plugging away at it, of course. It’s just that sometimes…I want.

A monumental decision

2004-12-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

I just discovered a kitchen right by my new office that I never even knew existed. After due consideration, I have decided to switch my allegiance to the new kitchen.

Ah, the serious and important decisions that make up my day.

My teeth are evil and I hate them

2004-12-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

And judging by their behavior, they hate me right back.

I would like to begin this post with a disclaimer. I am not some disgusting person who does not take proper care of her teeth. I brush and floss religiously. I just have bad teeth. If I ever wind up on a deserted island, I’ll be knocking a tooth out with an ice skate, just like Tom Hanks in Castaway.

So today, I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. And learned that I have SEVEN cavities. Seven. That doesn’t seem fair to me.

Two of these cavities are in spots where the glue from my braces did damage. Everyone knew they would get cavities someday. Three of the cavities are old fillings that need to be replaced. One cavity is a brand-new one that caused the dentist to say “You haven’t had any pain from this tooth at all? Really?” They think it will take TWO HOURS to fix. Guess how I’m spending my Friday afternoon? And to make it even better, the dentist told me she might decide they need to do a root canal and a crown once they get in there.

And then we come to cavity number seven. This fucker is the Darth Vader of teeth – pure evil. It was filled seven years ago, in one of the worst dental experiences of my life. Three years ago it got abscessed and I had to have a root canal. And then a crown lengthening and a crown, which was extremely painful and expensive. Do you know what a crown lengthening is? Let me tell you what it is not. It is not where you go to the periodontist and they build something on to your tooth to make it easier to attach the crown. That’s what I thought they were going to do when I went in to have that procedure done. Sadly, I was wrong.

Anyway, Darth Vader is acting up again, or so they tell me. According to my x-rays, at’s like a volcano preparing to erupt. I could get another root canal, crown lengthening and crown, but there's no guarantee that will do the trick (the dentist referred to this as taking “heroic measures to save the tooth." I find it amusing to hear that phrase used in reference to a tooth. In mind, it conjures up images of people cracking my chest open to jump start my heart while pushing me through a hallway at top speed on a gurney or something.) I could just ignore the problem, but the tooth will keep deteriorating. No matter what I do, eventually I will have to have the tooth pulled,at which time I can get a titanium tooth implant. Apparently I am very lucky that they have this whole titanium tooth technology now. Yeah, you just told me I have seven cavities and probably need two root canals. And then you will screw a titanium tooth in to my jaw. Lucky is exactly what I am feeling.

Done!

2004-11-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

I've been working on this huge project for work. Huge! It was supposed to be done about a week and a half ago, but the more realistic deadline was last Wednesday. And I just couldn't finish it. I kept getting interrupted. And then I started obsessing over getting it perfect, which was ridiculously unproductive.

I lay in bed at night fretting over the fact that the report was overdue and worrying that I wasn’t doing it right. I wrote and rewrote sections and rearranged the order of the copy way too many times. I got behind on other projects and emails and phone calls to friends. And I wasn’t getting any closer to being done.

So yesterday I issued myself an ultimatum: Finish the report and get it in today...no matter what. And I did it! I had to stay at work until 8:45, and I'll probably have to do a second draft, but it is finished. And I am so happy I could do an "I'm done" can-can.

Now on to the 21 other items on my priorities list for this week...but not until tomorrow. :)

Not so fast...

2004-11-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

So, on Thursday, I declared my Thanksgiving to be "better than I thought it would be." That was a little optimistic, considering I still had two Thanksgivings to go. On Friday we had a disastrous lunch with my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my nephew and my sister-in-law's husband (who shall henceforth be known as President and CEO of The Jerk Store, Inc.) They were 25 minutes late and it all went downhill from there, ending in a fight about some random topic and with my pregnant sister in law in tears.

On to dinner with my dad. He was late, too, and the dinner was just awkward. If I hadn't tried to make conversation, I think the four of us would have just sat there in silence the whole time. Oh, except for the creepy part where my dad talked about how he knows where my mom lives even though he isn't supposed to and tried to get me and my brother to confirm her address. Fun. And then John and I took my brother home and went in to hang out with my mom, who had pretty much insisted that we come by, even though we saw her for hours on Thursday. And John didn't want to be there, and he embarrassed me by showing my mom that he didn't want to be there, so we had a huge screaming fight on the way home. When we arrived at home, I classily called John an asshole at the top of my lungs for all the neighborhood to hear and tried to storm off all dramatic-like to walk the dog. Except that I was still wearing the shoes I had worn to dinner (not suited to dog walking) and Seamus was unnerved by the yelling and pulled really hard, so I fell flat on my face in the street instead. I scraped my knee and my palm, twisted my ankle and bruised my hip. It was a sucky cap to a crappy day. John and I rarely fight, so when we do, it makes us both miserable. Finally at about 2 am we made up and all was right with the world again.

I spent Saturday afternoon in Georgetown shopping with my friend Laila. It is so awesome to have her back in DC and to get to see her on a weekly basis. And Sunday was laze around the house and do laundry day, so I did get some "recover from the family" time in. Even so, I was exhausted today and couldn't focus or get anything done at work today. Thank goodness Christmas is a month away.

Happy Thanksgiving

2004-11-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

I considered going for the ironic, hipster William S. Burroughs-type post “Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.” Because, as you all know, I’ve got some problems with the way this country is going.

I considered putting together a list of all the reasons I have to be thankful…and there are many.

I considered a list of facts from my day: number of delicious apple pies made by me (1)… number of disputes with my mom about my vegetarianism (1, but minor)…amount of stuffing consumed by me (truly massive)…my dislike for my sister-in-law’s husband (growing)…my enjoyment of my adorable nephew (also growing)…number of ignorant and racist comments uttered by southern Maryland step-relatives (0! For once!)…and so on.

I considered a straightforward summary of my day –- lots of family, lots of driving, but in the end, actually better than I thought it would be. Although, we’re only done with half of the family at this point. We’ve still got John’s mom and my dad to deal with tomorrow, and my dad is quite the wild card.

But in the end, I decided just to say:

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope your day was filled with the people you love and good food just like mine.

Random Monday Thoughts

2004-11-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Too tired to be clever really. So instead, I've got a random collection of ideas for your enjoyment.

• It's really bothering me that I can't remember the name of this kid I was friends with in college. He was really sweet, and had dreadlocks and worked in the library at MassArt. He would let me check books out for my art history papers when I waited until the last minute and all of the books I needed had been checked out of the Wellesley art library. And I always waited until the last minute. I was thinking his name was Bobby, but then I remembered that was a different guy. Also nice and also with dreadlocks, but he wasn't an art student. He was in a band called Seven League Boots, and was originally from DC like me. In DC he was in a band called Soulside. Or maybe it was Kingface. He was in one and his brother, whose name I have also forgotten, was in the other. Anyway, not-Bobby's nickname was something like Drake. But that's not quite it.

• Other nicknames that I can remember from that era are: Goose, Annubay, Moon, Topher, Ram, Teeth and Buzz. If you'd like to play match the nickname, their real names were Alan, Sebastian, Lucy, Keith, Ann, Ramadan and Christopher. I also had many friends with normal names, if you're wondering.

• Finding Neverland is a really good movie. I highly recommend it. Johnny Depp is amazing as J. M. Barrie, and the kid who plays Peter is wonderful. I must warn you though, I sobbed and sobbed at the end of this movie. 'Course, I am a well-known cry-baby.

• I think people should give Van Morrison more credit as a musician. You don't hear that much about him, but he has many fine songs. Including Tupelo Honey, which I particularly enjoy.

• Also underrated? The Rolling Stones song Moonlight Mile.

And with that, I think it is time for bed.

P.S. the nickname match up answers: Goose/Lucy, Annubay/Ann, Moon/Sebastian, Topher/Christopher (that one is actually a guess), Ram/Ramadan, Teeth/Keith and Buzz/Alan.

Memo to my body

2004-11-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

Listen, body. We need to talk.

There is a 59 year old woman in Georgia who is pregnant with twins. A 59 year old woman who had her tubes tied 33 years ago. Is pregnant. And not after lots of fuss and expensive fertility treatments either. Do you know what her body did? Well, first it staved off menopause. Then her fallopian tubes actually grew back. Grew back! And then, well...sex...and poof! twins.

Now, let's take a look at your behavior, shall we?

I'm healthy. Only 33 years old. Well nourished. I've certainly had plenty of sex. I've been doing all sorts of temperature taking and charting and I've spent a fortune on ovulation predictor kits. I think I've done my part here. And yet, I am not pregnant.

It seems to me that you're not really trying very hard. So here's the deal: You've got about 15 days. I want you to use that time to think about your participation in this project so far, and come back ready to take care of business.

Got it? Good.

My own personal soundtrack

2004-11-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

Last night I stopped to get groceries on the way home. I have new love, by the way. Apple Pecan pound cake. Curse you Whole Foods and your clever marketing ploy of putting out samples of your baked goods. This time, you got me with the pound cake and Tuscan bread.

Anyway, as I was leaving there was a man in the parking lot in a big old Cadillac, playing Over the Rainbow on some sort of horn. The notes soared out over the parking lot, lifting my mood and transforming my mundane loading of groceries into the car into a perfect moment. I've decided I'd like to have live musicians follow me around playing music where ever I go. It would be like my own personal life soundtrack.

Uh-oh

2004-11-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

When I was young and impressionable, I read this Stephen King short story where a guy drinks a beer that had gone bad and turns into a dead-cat-eating monster. It totally freaked me out and only exacerbated (damn, that's a hard word to spell) my existing picky girl tendency to worry about whether or not food had spoiled. Milk? I absolutely cannot keep it past the expiration date. Leftovers? They can stay in the fridge for three or four days max.

And now, I just realized my Sprite has an expiration date of 10/25/04. I already drank half of it! Am I doomed to get some horrible expired Sprite sickness?

I am a suburban cliché

2004-11-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went to Best Buy to buy a new keyboard. Unfortunately for me, Best Buy decided that the only keyboards they were going to have in stock were the wireless ones that cost something like $62 to $79. I was not interested in paying that much for a keyboard, so Best Buy and I had a little parting of the ways.

There is an Office Depot in the same complex. I walked over there and quickly found a decent keyboard (don’t it type nice?) that wasn’t insanely expensive. And then realized I was feeling virtuous for walking the two minutes across the parking lot instead of driving, and I just had to laugh. Only a totally spoiled suburban brat like me would congratulate themselves for not driving across a parking lot.

Big new office

2004-11-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

I just moved into a great new office at work. It is close to twice the size of my old office, and has three (three!) windows. My old office only had two, and a big ol’ pillar in the middle. I don’t know how I got so lucky. So anyway, I’ve been busy with packing and unpacking, missing bookcases and floor plans the movers didn’t bother to follow and an inability to connect to the network. I seem to have some sort of network-connection-destroying magnetic field, as I go through network cards and cables with an alarming frequency. I’m starting to get a rep with IT.

But I’m all settled in now, and super-organized since my new, bigger office came with a new, bigger filing cabinet. And I managed to swipe a new guest chair to replace my old, mismatched, broken wheel guest chair with a matching, fully-operational chair.

Yep, "appropriating" office furniture abandoned in the move is what I do for kicks these days. Can you stand the excitement that is my life?

Perception vs. reality

2004-11-08T22:28:00.000-05:00

In my head, I am the worst housekeeper ever, a horrible wife, practically even a bad person because it has been so long since I vacuumed the apartment.

When I pull out the vacuum cleaner, John says to me “Are you going to vacuum again? Already?!”

Perhaps I’ve been a little too hard on myself.

Stranger in a strange land

2004-11-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

Well, suddenly I feel like I don’t belong in my own country. 58 million Americans looked at George W. Bush and the Republicans and said, “Yes, I’m happy with the state of this country. I want to continue going down this path. Here, have some more power.” I’ve been reading all day that people knew in their hearts that Kerry would lose. Or that another four years won’t be that bad. Well, I was dumb enough to think Kerry would win. And I am afraid for the future of this country. And even more bothered by the fact that so many of my fellow Americans think we’re going in the right direction.

Apparently, people voted for George W. Bush because they are concerned about terrorism and morality. Yes, George W. Bush will keep us safe from terrorists. Because…um, who was president on 9/11? Oh right, George W. Bush. But he caught Osama bin Laden, so we’re safe. Oh, wait. No, he didn’t. But we are safe because he invaded Iraq and captured Saddam Hussein. Except that Saddam Hussein didn’t have anything to do with 9/11. Nor did he have any weapons of mass destruction to attack us with. But you know who does want to attack us now? All of the people al Queda was able to recruit after our “pre-emptive” war in Iraq. As far as I can tell, George W. Bush doesn’t have a plan to stop them. He’s too busy getting John Ashcroft to look at which library books I’ve checked out recently.

And then morality. You’d think the good people of this country would be concerned about the fact that the economy sucks. The job losses. How difficult and expensive it is to get insurance. The environment and global warming. Skyrocketing energy costs. The vast deficit we now have as a direct result of George W. Bush’s policies. Or perhaps their immoral government which went to war on false pretenses and got thousands of soldiers wounded or killed. And then gave no-bid sweetheart deals to their own cronies.

But no, what they apparently chose to focus on is gay marriage. 11 states were so worried about gay marriage that they passed “defense of marriage” referendums. I really, really want to know how the average straight person in, let’s say Kansas, or Oklahoma, how they are affected, threatened or harmed in any way by gay marriage. Seriously, I want to know. Even if you think homosexuality is wrong, how does it hurt you or make your own marriage any less valid? Why is that your issue, and not something that directly affects you like losing your job, not having access to healthcare, or the fact that your President and the people in his administration lied to you, over and over?

So now it begins. George W. Bush acted like he had a mandate when all he had was a stolen election. Now that he’s actually won the popular vote I shudder to think what lies ahead. The Ten Commandments in every courthouse? School prayer? The end of Roe V. Wade? An endless stream of pre-emptive wars? The return of the draft? An ever-widening gap between rich and poor, I’m sure. Continued efforts to undercut all environmental protections. So long, ANWR. Hello, drilling and clear cutting and arsenic in our water and polluted air to breathe.

God, I’m depressed. Am going to go eat vast quantities of cheese fries and watch Lost.

Vote Kerry. Here's Why.

2004-11-01T22:36:00.000-05:00

Many other people have said it way more eloquently than I have, and I'm damn tired tonight. But here goes.

I'm voting for John Kerry tomorrow. I think you should too.

He won't be able to solve all of this country's problems, but I don't think anyone can. I do think he will do a better job than George W. Bush.

Just take a minute to look at the state of our country today. George Bush's reckless economic policies have left the economy in shambles. His administration has systematically undermined environmental protections, chipped away at civil liberties, and consistently favored big business over the needs of US citizens. His No Child Left Beind Act actually leaves the poorest children more vulnerable to being left behind. The rich get enormous tax cuts while the poor and middle classes get $300 and see their social and community services steadily eroded. American healthcare is a joke, and the Medicare reform bill Bush passed was not what they promised it would be.

But the worst offense of all is the Iraq war. Bush lied to get the American people to go along with his war. The people in his administration lied. They continue to lie. All of their evidence for going to war was FALSE. Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. He did not have anything to do with 9/11. And as of today, 1,120 soldiers have died because of those lies. Lies that Bush told. Lies that Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, and Rice told. The troops in Iraq are not properly equipped, lacking such basics as bullets, body armor, and properly armored transportation, putting their lives at even greater risk. And the ones who come home injured face a VA that is totally unprepared to help them. That is the biggest disgrace -- to send soldiers off to war and then cut the funding for their healthcare and disability benefits.

I want a leader who will do better than that -- for me and for my country. And I think John Kerry is that man.

It all depends on how you define "healthy"

2004-10-27T17:57:00.000-04:00

EatSmart Veggie Chips are only a healthier snack alternative if you restrain yourself from eating half the bag over the course of your day.

Sigh. I am not to be trusted with the Veggie Chips.

This morning…

2004-10-26T10:51:00.000-04:00

Outside: Cold and dark.
My bed: Warm and cozy.
Me: Sleepy and sore from yoga class.
My dog: Sweet and snuggly.

You can try to tell me that you would have gotten up on time, but I’d have to call you a liar.

Newlyweds? I think so.

2004-10-25T22:24:00.000-04:00

So, today is Zoot's anniversary. She wrote a very sweet post that was romantic and totally made me cry. She and Mr. Zoot used one of the same songs that John and I used in our wedding, which made me all mushy. Then, Myllissa asked, how long can you be a newlywed? Which got me to thinking...

John and I have been married for exactly 2 years and 5 months today. I still think of us as newlweds. I get excited about the fact that we're married. I giggle when someone calls me Mrs. I smile to myself when I think about something funny John said or did. I find new reasons to love him every day. He manages to surprise me on a regular basis. And he's always coming up with new ways to make me smile and giving me new reasons to appreciate him. I think that still qualifies us as newlyweds.

On the other hand, I hope that the friendship, love and joy we have for each other will continue grow and evolve as it has since we got married. I don't plan on stopping that just because a certain amount of time has elapsed. And I hope I'm just as giddy about John in five...fifteen...thiry years...you get the idea. So does newlywed-ism have a time limit, or is it a state of mind? I'm voting for state of mind, and I'm hoping it will last a lifetime.

It doesn’t take much

2004-10-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

I had a decent time of it in high school. I wasn’t one of the in crowd, but I had an awesome group of friends and was very busy dressing in black, being a punk rock rebel and not wanting to be a cheerleader or whatever, so I didn’t really care about not being popular. That’s not to say I didn’t have problems, because yeesh, who doesn’t have problems in high school? The teenage years are not easy. Plus, I was punk rock, so, you know, I was sooo misunderstood.

Middle school was my time of trauma. I went to a very small school from kindergarten through 8th grade. Kids came and went, but it was mostly the same group in my class the whole time. When we started sixth grade, I got a nasty shock. People who had been my friends for years thought I wasn’t cool anymore. And I can admit it…I was a mess. I had braces. I wore glasses. I got boobs and zits before everyone else. I had no idea what to do with my hair – my mom made me shower at night, and curly hair really, really needs to be washed after you sleep on it. Really. And worst of all, I was smart. It had never been a problem before. We used to have contests to see who could get through the SRA reading kits the fastest. But all of the sudden people were looking down on me for doing my homework and getting good grades. My archenemy Minda told people I didn’t know the names of the members of Duran Duran, even though I did. I was crushed that anyone would believe I was that uncool. Crushed! I wasn’t completely friendless, but I did spend a lot of time feeling like a loser.

And I guess you never completely shake off the shame of the loser label. It certainly doesn’t take much to send my right back to those days. Today, while I was talking in a meeting, two people were whispering, laughing and writing notes. Now, they probably weren’t talking about me. I didn’t say anything stupid, and I wasn’t really talking about anything mockable, but still... And then I noticed I got de-blogrolled off a blog I like (translation: I thought your blog was cool, but now I’ve decided you’re lame and boring) and I was right back to feeling like that pimply, four-eyed, messy-haired, brace-face little girl wondering where her friends went.

Being punk rock and not caring was better. So, meeting people? Nameless blogger? I am totally sneering in your general direction. Now I’m going to go stomp around like I’m wearing combat boots. I’m sure I’ll be feeling better in no time.

Nope. But that’s ok.

2004-10-19T10:46:00.000-04:00

Not pregnant. And at first, I was in a very black mood about it. I was going to hide under my covers and stay there forever. I hated everyone and everything. I thought many bitter thoughts along the lines of “Here I am, taking vitamins and avoiding caffeine and giving up my allergy pills and my rosacea medication, taking my temperature every morning and buying expensive ovulation predictor kits so we can time things right and what do I get? Nothing! While crack whores get pregnant.”

It was all very self pitying and not pretty. But then I started thinking about something my yoga teacher said in class on Sunday about having compassion for yourself as well as others. And I decided to give myself a break. So it didn’t happen this month. It will happen. And in the meantime, I have a husband who I love and who makes me deliriously happy, fabulous friends I can really count on, a wonderful dog, a healthy family, and an excellent job that I enjoy. What more could I ask for?

Well, actually, I do have one request for the universe. Zoot’s petition says it all: “Oh Honey. It looks like I'm not pregnant, I'm sorry. But have a look at my ASS.”

A peek inside my poor, obsessed little brain

2004-10-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

Here’s what it is like to be inside my head right now:

Workity work, work, work. Accidentally brush boobs while typing. Oh, they are still sore! Ok, sore boobs, check. Basal body temperature above coverline, check. Tired, check. Could I be pregnant?

Workity work, work, work. Hmmm….I wonder what people are saying online about the debate last night. Check out Slate, CNN, MSNBC and WashingtonPost.com. Oh look, a couple of people have mentioned the weird smirks and odd giggly thing Bush had going on last night. I guess he was trying hard not to look bored and angry like he did in the first debate. And yes! People did notice that whenever he didn’t want to answer a question he talked about education. God, that man is an idiot. I can’t believe he is our president or that he even has a fighting chance at getting re-elected. Oh, and I wonder if I'm pregnant. Are my boobs still sore? Surreptitiously poke self in boob so co-workers passing by won’t see. Ouch. Ok, good.

Workity work, work, work. Is that a cramp? That might be a cramp. Are my boobs still sore? Poke. Ouch. Ok, good. Is there any way a cramp could be a sign of pregnancy? To the Internet!

**searching**

Click on first Google link: Nope, nothing about cramps on this list.
Click on second Google link: Yuck. Scary pro-life site.
Click on third Google link: Ooh, here’s one.
Cramping could be a sign of:
a) an expanding uterus. Uh, I think it’s a little early for that one.
b) the implantation of the egg in your uterus. Hey, that would actually be happening right about now.
c) an ectopic pregnancy. Oh great. I could finally get pregnant and then have it be ectopic. Hadn’t thought of that.
d) or just that your period is coming. Yep, this would be the most likely reason.

Why do you get your hopes up? You do this every month and then you are never pregnant.

But, then again, one of these times I have to actually be pregnant, right?

Oh, who knows. Maybe it wasn’t even a cramp.

Poke. Ouch. Ok, good.

All Hail Chocolate Day!

2004-10-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

So today was Chocolate Day at my office. We have it once a year, and everyone bakes or buys chocolate dishes and brings them in. I love Chocolate Day!

First of all, I like to bake, so that part is fun for me. I made my delicious Fudgy Turtle Pie. And then I get to eat lots of chocolate, and who doesn't like that? I had:

a) a piece of my pie
b) 1/2 of a chocolate donut
c) a chocolate covered strawberry
d) a little tiny brownie cup
e) two pieces of the best Texas Sheet cake ever

And that was plenty. If you want to see a photo of all the chocolate day booty, Amalah posted a photo. I was too slow to get any of her Fake Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but I heard they were amazing.

Now I must go eat some broccoli or spinach or whatever the biological opposite of chocolate is.

New Hampshire Weekend

2004-10-13T22:34:00.000-04:00

So, this past weekend I went to New Hampshire for this dedication my friend Jules was having for her son Malcolm. A dedication is kind of like a baptism, except that they don't actually baptize the baby. I had never heard of such a thing before, but I'm not much for religion, so that's no big surprise.

On Saturday, Jules and her aunt and uncle threw this huge Octoberfest party which they have every year. Jules, Melissa(who actually lives in DC, but who I never see) and I were charge of the kid's tent and activities. There was a moon bounce, and water balloon toss, and scavenger hunt and a pie eating contest. There was also a raffle, which I won! In a neat twist, my winnings were just 70 cents less than the cost of my plane ticket. We had a great day, and I got to see lots of people who I hadn't seen in years. And when it got late, we kicked all the kids out of the moon bounce and went in it ourselves. Moon bounces rock!

Sunday was Malcolm's dedication, which was wonderful. It was held in a state park in Rockport, MA, right on the ocean. New England loses to DC bigtime in the spring, but nothing beats a New England autumn. And the ceremony was lovely. A little sad, of course, because Malcolm's father Leo died before he was born, but otherwise, just perfect. The minister really got to know Jules and understood what was important to her, and went out of her way to make the non-Baptists feel welcome. The reception was at Jules dad's house, where I ate a lot of seven layer dip, a delicious Dulce de Leche cake, and got to see even more people I hadn't seen in years. And play with Malcolm and his little cousin Annabelle. And then Jules and Melissa and I wrapped up the evening with some great takeout and even better conversation.

And then --ugh -- a night of very little sleep between a fussy baby and a sick dog. Jules and I were roommates for years, and her dog Keisha was our dog really, and now she's old and has pneumonia and was up coughing a lot. Which meant I was up, worrying about her and feeling bitter about the fact that I wasn't getting any sleep. But I managed to get up at 6:30 to catch a plane back to DC, and made it to work by noon. I highly recommend the Manchester Airport, but I must warn you, if you buy a bagel, they will insist on x-raying it when you go through security. Does anyone else have a problem with eating a freshly x-rayed bagel, or is it just me?

Where the hell have I been?

2004-10-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

Well, first there was jury duty.

Then there was the frenzy of trying to get caught up at work after being out for jury duty.

Followed by a very busy weekend.

And missing more work due to a seriously unpleasant bout of stomach flu. Let's just say there was an incident that involved me racing into the house, and shoving past my confused hsband and dog while shouting something along the lines of "Outta the way! Can't talk! Not feeling well!" and leave at that.

A lot of really big, important deadlines at work. Which I made, dire illness and all, thank you very much.

A fun dinner with my friend Laila.

And then a fabulous trip to New Hampshire to see my friend Jules and her baby boy Malcolm. John is anxious to use the computer and I'm kind of tired, so I'll have to tell the story of my trip tomorrow. But if you were wondering, that's where the hell I've been.

Aloha

2004-10-05T17:44:00.000-04:00

So, I was watching the movie Blue Crush on Sunday afternoon, (Shut up. It was on cable for free, and I clicked by during one of the cool-looking surfing scenes and got sucked in.) and I was seized by a longing to chuck my boring everyday life and move to Hawaii, where I would live at the beach and learn to surf. Somehow in this fantasy I also have Kate Bosworth’s body, but that’s a whole separate delusion.

The thing is, I’d never actually do it. Or move to Paris or Tuscany or London or Ireland or wherever it is that looks good to me based on a movie I saw or book that I read. But I know that there are people who do just that. My husband’s relatives all seem to be ready to try a new place at the drop of a hat, so he just thinks it is normal. I, on the other hand, get caught up in the romance of the idea for approximately 5.2 seconds, and then reality starts to intrude.

I mean, where would we live? I can’t even pull off buying a house in this country. Would anyone want to hire us to do anything? If we went to Europe, how would Seamus get there? Because he would be the dog who freaks out in the luggage compartment of the plane, gets out of his crate, and chews through some vital wiring in the landing gear.

John looks at the idea and says “Everything would be different! ” and I look at the idea and “But everything would be different. ” All the stores, all the people, all the roads. I wouldn’t know how to find anything. Even the notion of moving to a city that I love, like Vancouver, is intimidating to me.

Am I missing some sort of adventure gene? Or is it that I am more content with the way things are?

Hey, ABC

2004-09-29T22:43:00.000-04:00

Listen, I know you're excited about having a show besides Monday Night Football that is actually gettting ratings. And I'll admit that I've enjoyed the first two episodes of Lost. The premise is interesting and the acting doesn't suck. Plus, you've got a former hobbit.

But stop packing it with so many damn commercials! You will lose my interest if you keep going to commercial every seven minutes. You've actually got some viewers now. Act like you want to keep them.

Mistrial. Plus, weddings, babies and no hot water!

2004-09-29T22:19:00.000-04:00

Yep, my glorious jury service ended in a mistrial. We were totally deadlocked, with six not guiltys, four guiltys and two undecideds. It was a much more interesting experience than I thought it would be. I also had no trouble making up my mind, as I had feared I might. There was reasonable doubt all over the place. To be fair, the prosecutor didn't have a great case to begin with. I don't know why they brought it to trial at all. Even the judge said he wasn't surprised by the outcome.

But I'm done, and I can return to my normal life. And here's what has been happening in my normal life:

My friend Carri recently got engaged on a trip to Italy (very romantic!), and is getting married at the end of this year. I'm excited for her. Congratulations, Carri!

My friend Julie, you know, the one whose baby blanket I haven't even started yet? She had her baby at 4 a.m. A boy, 6 lbs, 10 oz. They named him Benjamin Ari (not sure of the spelling). Ari means lion and is in memory of our friend Leo who died last year, which made me cry just a little bit. Naturally I had to run to Buy Buy Baby to buy presents after work. After much obsessing I got the cutest little sleeper with an elephant on it and a rattle that looks like a turtle. Congratulations Julie and Mark! And welcome to the world Benjamin Ari!

And then I got home to learn that while they have figured out why I had no hot water this morning, they haven't fixed the problem. I cannot stand cold showers. So I didn't get to take a real shower this morning, and I won't get to take one tomorrow morning either. Just the hasty rinse and splash as my teeth start chattering. Luckily, the blog doesn't have smell-o-vision, so you all are safe if I get stinky.

Jury Duty, part deux

2004-09-28T21:48:00.000-04:00

I know, for something I'm not supposed to talk about, I sure am talking about it, aren't I? But no identifiable details, so I'm within the law.

I just want to share one thing.

So, I'm sitting there in my juror #11 chair, and one of the lawyers is talking. He makes a statement "So and so has done something or other and that's an excellent whatever," pause, "for me to blah blah blah..." And what pops into my head at this very serious moment? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog saying "for me to poop on!" I literally had to sit there biting my lip and lecturing myself-- " Do NOT laugh. Now is NOT the time to laugh. Just focus on what the man is saying." And of course, that's when the lawyer stops to look something up in his notes, so I had to sit there, picturing myself laughing and the judge asking if I want to share anything with the rest of them, and then getting hauled off to jail for being in contempt or something.

Luckily, I got myself under control. So I won't have to blog from the big house due to my wildly inappropriate sense of humor.

Jury Duty. Ugh.

2004-09-27T22:03:00.000-04:00

I spent a lovely couple of hours reading the new book by David Sedaris this morning in the jury lounge. And then I got picked for a jury.

Serving on a jury comes very close to being the last thing I ever wanted to do. I don't trust "the system" to be fair in many cases. And yet, I wouldn't want a guilty person to go free. This is not a comfortable place for me to be. We're not supposed to talk about the case until it is over, so no details yet.

And now I get to spend the next few days as juror #11 by day, and Marketing Penguin by night, trying to do some of my job from home. Whoopee.

Oh, and the fleas seem to be back. Seamus got another bath. I've vaccuumed. I've done laundry. I'm not sure what else to do, but I will not be defeated by fleas. Double ugh.

Penguin To-Do List

2004-09-25T13:10:00.000-04:00

I realized last night as I was trying (and failing) to fall asleep that not only do I have a huge project list at work, I have a lot to do at home. Which is why I lie in bed making lists in my head instead of sleeping. So I’m trying a little experiment here. If I actually put the list down in writing, will I stop obsessing and get some damn sleep?

I have to:

• Finish the baby blanket I am knitting for my friend Christine’s little girl Avery. She’s already four weeks old. I’m only halfway done. Never again will I buy the fine yarn. Never again.

• Get the oil changed on the car.

• Get the brakes fixed on the car.

• Start and complete the memory book about my friend Leo in the next two weeks. I had the idea to put together an album of stories and photos of Leo for his little boy Malcolm’s dedication back in the spring. October seemed so far away then. I’ve written one story. One.

• Make travel arrangements to go to New Hampshire for Malcolm’s dedication. I thought this was some hippie-crunchy thing my friend Jules was doing, but apparently it is a Baptist thing. But hopefully still hippie-crunchy too.

• Get started on knitting the baby blanket for my friend Julie’s baby, who is due on October 5th. This blanket will be made with chunky yarn. Chunky yarn is my friend.

• Seriously de-clutter my house. All sorts of crap has piled up here over the last seven years, and it is time for a purge.

• Order a copy of my credit report to be sure all of my credit cards are listed as paid in full and cancelled at my request.

• Make travel arrangements to go to Colorado to see John’s sister.

• buy new bras. My two favorite bras both died this week.

• replace the light switch for my bedroom closet, which only works now if you hold it in one particular position. Which means I can't reach the back of the closet and have light.

And then, of course, there's all the of the usual stuff. Work (and lots of it.) Errands. Cleaning. Laundry. Seeing my friends. Seeing my family. Yoga class. And I get to go sit around the county courthouse all day on Monday to see if I get picked for jury duty.

I'll let you know if the experiment works.

And then they were so nice

2004-09-23T21:54:00.000-04:00

Lord, they are lovey-dovey.

I'm talking about the credit card companies here. Six weeks ago, I was firmly in the "You've got a bunch of debt, so we're going to charge you an insane amount of interest" category. And then I paid them all off. Every last cent of the money we owed those bloodsucking, soul crushing bastard credit card companies. And now they all looove me. Everyone wants to give me a card. 9%...6%...4% interest! 0% for six months! And so on. BankOne, who insisted they had to charge me 28% interest even though I had never missed a payment -- not one! -- in all the years I had a card with them, is begging me not to take my business away.

But I will not be swayed. That is one lesson that I do not need to learn a second time, thank you very much. If we want something, we can damn well wait and save up money for it. So take that evil Visa and MasterCard!

In which I reveal a secret

2004-09-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

Sounds mysterious, doesn’t it? But no, I’m not a man, baby. Nor am I a vampire, a pirate or a mind-controlled secret agent (although if I was a mind-controlled secret agent, would I know it? Food for thought.)

However, I have decided to start talking about something I haven’t discussed here before. For over a year now, I’ve been trying to get pregnant, with no success. It’s not something I talk about with, well, anyone. Ever. John and I don’t even talk about it much. It’s as if talking about me not getting pregnant might mean there’s a problem. And maybe there is – I don’t know. I’m sure as hell not pregnant yet.

But I know not talking about it is not healthy for me. Today, we found out John’s sister is pregnant with her second child, which, I have to admit, I already suspected. And instead of being happy for her like I should have been, I was jealous. It’s unfair, I thought. She got married six weeks before we did, and she’s going to have two children before we even have one.

And that is NOT the kind of person I am. I will not become one of those people who can’t be happy when something good happens to someone else. So, instead of pretending that there’s nothing going on, I’m going to talk about my frustrations and my worries and my hopes about this whole trying to conceive process. I’m putting the infertility blogs I read on my blogroll. It’s not the only topic I’m going to write about, of course, but I’m hopeful that posting about this openly will keep me from turning into some horrible, bitter person who can’t feel joy for others.

That’s it. Not a very juicy or fun secret. But one I think it is important for me to let out of the bag.

Impressions of my day

2004-09-20T22:02:00.000-04:00

I've decided a summary of my day would be boring and predictable. Instead, here is a sampling of the thoughts I had today, in somewhat chronological order:

Bed is so warm and comfortable. Want to sleep. No. Sleep. Ok, little dog! We'll go for a walk.

I hate all my clothes. I wish I could wear jeans to work. Why can't I wear jeans to work?

Green means go, you idiots.

I'm really not in the mood for work today.

Well, now that I'm actually working it's not so bad.

You know, I really like my new employee.

Leftover Indian food makes for an awesome lunch. Oh look. Britney Spears got married again. Hmm.

My mom is IM'ing me. Wow, she's a ray of sunshine today. I wonder if anyone else has ever managed to mention three separate people who died in one five minute IM conversation.

It's 6:30 already? Wow, my day really picked up. Time to hit the road!

"Kerry/Edwards. Because 'Yee-ha' is not a foreign policy" That's a pretty funny bumper sticker.

Everyone who works at Whole Foods is so friendly. Wait, is the the cheese guy flirting with me? Ooh, smoked mozzarella.

Light bulbs. Light bulbs. Where did they move the light bulbs to?

I know there's no item limit on the self checkout lanes, but it is rude to use them if you're buying 100 things. Just go to a cashier. You're not saving anyone any time.

Green means go, you idiots.

Ah, home. Hello Seamus! Hello John!

Ouch! Stabbing yourself in the thumb with a really sharp knife hurts. That's what I get for mis-using one of my beloved knives. They are for chopping, not scraping.

Dinner. Yummy.

I really like Etta James. Sunday Kinda Love is a good song.

Time to wrap up this entry. I'm sleepy. Good night.

I love my yoga class

2004-09-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

I had my second yoga class tonight, and I really love it!

The class is an hour and 15 minutes long, and I haven't gotten bored at all. In fact, I've been surprised each time when we got to the end of the class and it was time for the relaxation part.

I just feel good when I'm done. My body feels stretched and relaxed and energized all at the same time. My abs are really getting a workout, which they need. And it definitely helps with the stress.

So far, I have to say, I highly recommend yoga.

I miss hardware stores

2004-09-19T22:45:00.000-04:00

John and I were very handy this weekend. We fixed our broken dryer switch. Actually, John fixed it and I handed him screws and tools and held the flashlight.

But I was the one who went to the store with the one screw that hadn't vibrated out of the machine to try to buy screws that matched. There don't seem to be any hardware stores around here anymore, so I had to go to Home Depot. I hate Home Depot. It is always really crowded and noisy and has very long lines at the checkout counters. And of course, they had 5 bajillion screws, none of which were the same as my screw. Not even close.

Now, when I go to a hardware store, I want a redneck-y good ol' boy to reassure me that even if I can't find the exact screw that I need, I can buy this other screw and it will work just fine. Not some guy who knows even less about hardware than I do. , which is what I got at Home Depot.

So, I left and drove to Lowe's, where I spent another 40 minutes examining screws. They had even more screws than Home Depot. Plus, a very helpful -- although not even slightly redneck-y -- guy who assured me I could buy the pointy screws even though my screw was flat. And you know what? He was right.

But I still miss the little hardware stores.

Too damn tired

2004-09-16T22:31:00.000-04:00

So, I finally get five minutes to sit and write in my blog, and I'm so tired I can't think of anything interesting to say. This week feels like it has been 18 days long. I had very long meetings on Monday and Wednesday that took up most of my day. That meant that I had to work extra late on Tuesday and Wednesday and again tonight. I've been getting home so late that I haven't even gotten to cook with my fancy new saucepan yet.

I've spent so much time at work that I haven't really done anything else. Let's see...I gave Seamus a bath on Monday after I found some fleas on him. He hates getting a bath, but I will not tolerate fleas. Not even a little bit. He seems flea free now.

Oh, I'm getting a new office. A nice big one too. They love to move people around in my company, and I lucked out in the new office lottery this time.

And right now, John and I are watching Smokey and the Bandit on AMC. I guess it is a new movie classic or something. Smokey just called the Bandit a "sumbitch." I don't think I've ever called anyone a sumbitch. Or even a son of a bitch, for that matter. I'll be looking for a way to work that into a post soon, I think.

Ok, time for bed. I'm really starting to ramble.